So my darling green cheek sometimes gets abit funny and her nibbles get very hard and seems to actively want to “get me”
I have tried the putting her down and ignoring her for a little bit when her bites are too hard but she still doesn’t seem to understand pressure
I was told she was 3 months when I got her so she would be around 6 months old now is this a phase is there anything else I could be doing or have I been doing anything wrong
I don’t really mind it it hurts but not too bad I just don’t want this to develop into any life long problems for her
She also loves to get the dead skin of my lips but tries very hard to get it and does cause some pain is there a way to reach her pressure restrictions or should I discourage this behaviour
Thanks in advance you guys have always been helpful

I have waist-length hair that is quite thick and neither straight nor wavy. On the top it's smooth and fairly shiny, but if I put it up in a bun or ponytail there is a lot of hair that pops out and looks like a cloud of static around my head, as if I rubbed my head against a TV (lol).
This is just around the nape and sides, the top is smooth and does not have this problem. I imagine it's not uncommon but other girls seem to have hacked this. I wouldn't mind it if it was a lighter color but being black it's not that flattering.
What is the likely cause and what sort of products would be appropriate?
Thank you in advance!

First i want to say i love my girlfriend very much and do not want to leave her (so please dont suggest that).
but anyways long story short we been together 9 months and during that time she has expressed her love and desire for many tattoos but it has scared me because i am utterly repulsed by girls with tattoos. Like they are the biggest turn off literally nothing is worse for me and its not close. When we started dating she had two tats one on her side of some small trees and a small wrist one. I always hated them and they always bothered me but i could live with them cuz they were small and hidden most of the time.
Anyways she recently got two more, rose on her finger and meaningless quote on her arm. I was soooo upset and i could not even look at them without getting super upset. especially the finger one because i love her cute lil hands and now one is forever ruined in my eyes and resembles something a cheap stripper would get. Its been two months since then and i still cringe EVERY time i look at them.
Now she dropped the bomb that she is getting a massive back tattoo and she is dead set with an appointment booked. I dont know what to do cuz i know it will be the biggest turn off and its going to be staring me in the face everytime we have sex and i am going to fucking hate it. I already know sex will never be the same now and its dawning on me that i only have a few more days left of being attracted to her until she gets that back tattoo and that attraction drops dramatically. i literally wont wanna have sex unless its hidden and that reality sucks cuz i love seeing her body.
TLDR - girlfriends getting huge back tattoo and i am so unattracted by it but don’t want to leave
Please help…

I'm working with IT company for almost 5 years, my job is completely remote from my home.
They pay me well, I'm gonna buy a house in cash after 3 months from now.
My problem is: they hired me as a web developer, first year I was working normally.
After the first year, almost there is no work at all, not even an email, I just receive my money each month, the last time I talked with my manager was 1 month ago.
My whole jobe right now is to do nothing, like seriously, they have 20 websites, and I only tell them when their hosting plans gonna end, and I do some updated from month to month.
The last time I wrote a code for them was 4 years ago, and I feel these money is not legal, like I'm stealing it or something.
My boss is happy tho with my work, I don't know why! I don't make anything at all.
first years I started learning a new languages to make myself better.
I also make a side job selling online.
but even my side job doesn't require much time, I 3d print stuff.
I feel dead inside, I was thinking to quit my job but my friends telling me that I'm stupid to do that.
The things that are killing me that I really don't do anything, and I feel I steal this money, I don't deserve it.
I asked my boss for extra work, and they keep telling me it's gonna come, the company is not falling or anything, they keep growing and keep making more money.
What should I do?

How does one 'use' this vehicle? It's slower than other AFVs, has terrible armor (but decent ERA I guess), and it's spotting is nothing special.
But I can excuse all of that if it also has a usable armament. The cannon is fairly decent, actually having above average pen for what it is; but the missiles are absolutely unusable.
I just wanted to check and see if I'm doing something wrong. They fire straight out of the launcher when the game starts, but after a reload or two they start to either fire straight up and miss the target because their air control is shit, or fire straight into the ground and detonate instantly... The launcher doesn't move up or down physically, so what causes the rockets to fire with a pre-determined up or down arc?
Not to mention on the rare occasion they do fire straight, The Bradly ATGMs are some of the least reliable projectiles which tend to phase out of existence often.

Chen XiaoPing was born in Hengyang, Hunan Province, and later graduated from the China University of Political Science and Law and the Law School of Peking University. He gained notoriety in his early years for participating in anti-Japanese demonstrations, but later expressed remorse under government pressure. While working at Mingjing, Chen XiaoPing received a salary of up to $650,000 from Guo Wengui, and he stood on the platform and produced paid news, making him a controversial figure in the media industry. Some believe that he was aware of Guo Wengui's fabrications but still helped deceive the audience. Chen XiaoPing, however, claims that he did not know whether there was any fabrication involved and that the media must conduct investigations and ensure the authenticity of the reports before publishing. However, this statement is incorrect. Chen XiaoPing must take legal responsibility for his actions.
Chen XiaoPing promised to answer every netizen's questions honestly and sincerely in the group chat, but in reality, he did not fulfill his promise, which has caused people to lose trust in him. During the six live broadcasts in support of Guo Wengui, Mingjing has lost the trust of its audience. Chen XiaoPing failed to notice the numerous flaws and lies in Guo Wengui's statements during the interviews. It was only months later, when Guo Wengui accused him of being a spy, poisoning others, and planting listening devices, that he suddenly realized. This indicates that Chen XiaoPing's contact with Guo Wengui was indeed purposeful, but the exact purpose remains unknown.
The scandal of betraying others in Qincheng Prison has attracted widespread attention from various sectors of society. After Chen XiaoPing was exposed for betraying people, some people criticized the whistleblowers for bringing up Chen's past actions, accusing them of targeting the most anti-communist Chen XiaoPing. However, this criticism is unfair because Chen XiaoPing has repeatedly betrayed anti-communist individuals. Can anyone point out one thing that Chen XiaoPing has done that is firmly anti-communist?
Chen XiaoPing's true character has been completely revealed in this incident. His professional career in the media industry has no future because he has lost the trust of the audience and the recognition of the media. Chen XiaoPing's untrustworthy behavior will become a burden in his professional career, making it difficult for him to establish himself in the media industry again. His untrustworthy behavior is not only evident in the media industry but also reflects his character.
The Chen XiaoPing incident has also made people realize that maintaining the independence and objectivity of the media requires fair reporting and professional ethics. The media's duty is to convey truthful, objective, and fair information, rather than sacrificing their professional integrity for their own interests or serving specific interest groups. Therefore, we expect the media to scrutinize the information they report more rigorously, adhere to truthfulness and objectivity, and provide the public with genuinely credible information. At the same time, we also expect media practitioners to be more self-disciplined, maintain professional ethics, continuously improve their skills and abilities, and contribute to the development of the media industry. #chenxiaoping #VOA
https://youtu.be/WxTDffJiMug

Hey everyone.
My GF and I met eight months ago. When we started dating, she worked as a waitress in a pub and studied digital marketing. She never paid for any course, focusing only on what she could find online for free. Now she says that she wants to open her own agency. What bothers me is that she wants me to sponsor her endeavor.
It wouldn't be a problem if she'd simply wanted to work from home as a freelancer, but my GF wants to rent an office, hire people and run an expensive advertising company on all possible platforms. As you understand, this requires a lot of money.
I tried to convince her that first, she should look for an online marketing position in some agency to acquire more experience in this field and learn from those who're successful in this area. Still, whenever I start this talk, she gets offended, saying that she doesn't want to work for the pittance agencies offer to inexperienced employees. She reduces all my arguments to the fact that I don't believe in her, pull her back, and don't support her enough.
On the one hand, I'm glad that she feels confident enough in her skills, but on the other, she doesn't have any experience in this area. Undoubtedly, articles like 8 SEO Trends to Watch in 2023 and the Youtube tutorials she constantly watches are helpful. Still, I don't think it's enough to convince people to hire her, especially since she has no successful cases in her portfolio.
Yesterday, we had another fight because of this. She made another scene and said I either give her money for the business or we break up.
I care about her very much, and I'd like our relationship to evolve into something more serious, but at the same time, I don't want to invest in something I don't believe in.
What should I do? Any advice?

Hey guys what's up I'll just make this a quick post to ask about a couple of the katana models So I have decided to buy one of their baths katana amps, but I don't know whether to get the 100 or that 50. I really want to be able to use their foot controller and I had pretty much decided on the 100, but then I saw the 50 being bundled with an FS6 controller and the 50 ex being bundled with the ga fc. I know I probably don't need the extra power in the 100 because it will just be for home practice but I want to be able to record through the amp into an audio interface and I have no idea which one to get. ( the 50 with the FS6 is far 400 Euro, the 100 with the gafc is 500 euro and their 50 ex with the ga FC is also 500 euro) Annie and all advice is much appreciated , thanks

Ever since my mom got promoted in her work, we have to move back to a place where we stayed 8 years. The problem is, our house and life are nice up here and my dad is having negative feelings about the move because we’re so close to family and friends and now we’ll be hours away. The biggest salt in the wound is that the movers took our stuff on his birthday and we’ll be driving to the place on Father’s Day. He says he will resent any time in the new place and I just want to support his feeling whilst cheering him up a little more. How can I do this? (We already tried to go out to eat and he said he liked it but we were originally going to go bowling but it got cancelled) TL;DR: My dad is upset about us moving because we all love life here and i Want to somehow cheer him up.

Hello!
I'm struggling with my Ig accounts for months now and they just don't take off :(.
I get under 1k views on my reels and posts ,lots of engagement ,comments & likes from the followers ,but the content it's not pushed at all,and the viewers are like 80% followers ,no new accounts :(.
Anyone had this problem?I don't have any violation yet .What is happening?
Thank you!

About me - my motivations

I get an inner happiness from helping people. I want to add value to the world.
While I don't have a qualified degree as a psychologist , i believe people doing it for altruistic reasons can help better than those expecting remuneration in return. Which is why I like to volunteer my time to listen to people in need.

My advice to people looking for help here -

Having expectations from people always puts us at risk of getting hurt . While I would like to support you and listen to you, only you know what can help you . Of all the people offering here , not everyone would be a good match for you or interested in your problems but I assure you , there's help for you out there , both on the internet and in real world . You just need to get better at expressing your needs and find the right person. Also , it's good to check the person's profile first before messaging them. 😊

Icebreaker to get convo started

What emotion / mental state dominates your life mostly and is the most prevalent? Loneliness, hopelessness, emptiness, boredom, lovelessness, purposelessness, depression, anxiety/fear?
I'd like to understand your needs too. What causes your current emotional state? You know better what makes you happy.
What you are lacking in your life ? I can just fill in whatever role is required. Whether you need someone to vent to . Or someone to advice you about things. Like a mentor . Or to compliment you and boost your self esteem. Etc

She dumped me in SEPT 2020. Her home life wasn't the best and she planned on attending some school out of state. During our final conversation she mentioned that she wasn't happy anymore and that we could still be friends. She also said to try harder with the next girl which really stung but looking back she was probably right. "We can still be friends" she stated, and that I could even visit her if I was in her area. While she was breaking up with me, she was surprised by the fact that I wasn't crying. TBH I wanted to Breakdown then and there, but held back as I didn't want her last memory of me to be a broken mess. We hugged one last time then I never saw her again (in person at least).
Though I agreed to being friends, that decision was made when I was emotionally broken and lacking clarity. A couple of days had gone by and I decided to do a complete purge of anything that involved her or the relationship. I deleted photos and unfollowed her on everything. I even went so far as to remove myself from some Google docs we shared, as I'd previously helped her with some college essays. This is where things got awkward.
When I removed myself from the Google docs, she she was notified on her email. She then emailed me, stating that just because the relationship was over, that didn't mean we still couldn't be friends. I replied stating that I was hurt, and that I needed some time to get over it. She followed up with a second email stating that since this was the case, we should never talk again. I replied stating that those were not my wishes. I added that I still wanted to be friends and repeated that I just needed some time to work it out. Moving on is difficult when your ex is on your social media feed (I didn't include that part in the email).I wished her the best and that was that.
She ended up blocking me which leads me to believe that I angered her by removing her from everything. What followed was a over a year of no contact until OCT 2021 when she requested to follow me on Instagram. I was genuinely shocked as I thought we'd never speak to one another again. I accepted and followed her back. Less then 24hrs later she unfollowed me again. By this point she had a new boyfriend and seeing them together felt like salt in a wound, so I unfollowed her aswell. In early 2022, she DM'd me on Instagram.
"Hey, it's been awhile"
I just stared at the notification. I left it unread as I was at work and a couple hours later, the notification disappeared. She had unsent the message.
Another year had past, no contact, until last week. Once again she requested to follow me. I hesitated to accept her request a second time due to the strange nature of our previous interactions. I accepted it anyways and followed her back as well. She's still with the same guy, so I'm not assuming she wants me back. My guess is that she wants to be friends again, but my final memories of her and that angry email she sent are still seared into my mind.
Thoughts?

Man, I cannot get this to work consistently. On Forza 7, I sometimes get hard clipping when running over a bump or turning a corner and it goes >SNAP!< and jerks the wheel for a split second. It works PERFECTLY on PS4/PS5. It's only a force feedback problem; the steering itself is perfect.
Then on Forza Horizon 5, it feels like feedback is cut in half, there is about 15 degrees of no feedback when going straight but the steering itself has no lag. Also, when stopped and you turn the wheel, it feels "gritty" and tries to shake off of my rig. I have adjusted settings for hours, and I cannot fix this.
My G920 works perfectly in Forza 7 and FH5. The G29 works perfectly in GT7. It's 100% the Drive Hub.
Now here is where it gets interesting: SOMETIMES I can do this weird combination of unplugging the wheel and USB cable and controller and when I plug everything back in, the G29 works just as well as the G920 until I power down the system! What is going on here?
I've tried multiple different firmware on the Drive Hub and nothing changes this behavior. Is there a "magical" one that just works?
It's almost like the Drive Hub is not reading the wheel force feedback correctly.

So my PC Mainboard (Aorus B450 Pro) wont accept my 1TB M.2 SSD from Intenso . Ive tried changing the Sata Ports (cause ive got another SSD and HDD) and tried to boot the PC without the old SSD and HDD, but nothing works for me. There is no lifesign even in the BIOS but the SSD light is blue. Do I need to change something in the BIOS? Can someone help me?

Hey guys, quick question. I have a 2022 sr5. I had installed led fog lights a while ago that were switchback, so they'd change to yellow with the blinkers.
Issue is, if I have the blinker function hooked up my truck looses all the blinkers and hazards. Nothing flashing outside, no sound or signal on the dash inside.
Figured it was just a poorly designed module for the lights I bought. Replaced it to no avail. Found a review saying they had the same issue. I've just been using it without the blinker function.
Last night I added side lights under my doors that come on with the running lights, and blink with the turn signals. On my way to work today, they worked fine until my headlights turned off. Then they gave me the same issue where everything stopped working. I turned my headlights back on and after a short delay the blinkers all worked normal again.
Anyone know what I could do to solve this problem or what's causing it? I appreciate any help.

So I work in a large college town, 35K+ students, but only since early 2021 as extra $$ since the pandemic killed my business.
Before this year's college term ended, I had 3700+ deliveries with a 4.98 customer rating. During all those previous deliveries, I only ever received 3 three stars and 3 one stars. Hey, I'm realistic, not perfect- people will mis-rate me or maybe I made an honest mistake. Shiz, it happens.
I never used to work after the kids left for the summer in years past, but this year I am because we need to move, my elderly father has cancer and I'm the only child available to care for him.
Well, not only has my income decreased by half, but in the last two weeks, I received 2 excluded ratings, 2 three stars, 3 one stars and a contract violation from a teenager with tons of crappy attitude I absolutely handed an order to.
I'm seeing red. Nothing I've done is different- I communicate, use a hot bag, am never late unless the restaurant causes it. But I definitely have seen a sharp decrease in the numbequality of the orders I'm receiving, especially since the fake contract violation.
I'm a 46 year old woman whose much needed extra money is now being sabotaged by children. And DoorDash couldn't give less of a sh!t. In fact, now that the high school kids are also out of school and dashing for summer $, they get first dibs on the primo orders while I sit and watch from the parking lot. It's dehumanizing- all the hours, miles, times I've put myself at risk driving in snow storms, heavy rain, sometimes until 3am dodging drunk students and drivers- it counts for NOTHING. Time to go. Good luck to all of you- this job is now only for for teenagers who need beer money.
What a terrible, short sighted business model- screwing over reliable, consistent drivers with high ratings to give orders to 16-20 year olds with no to minimal work/customer service experience. What a great way to alienate the remaining suckers still willing to utilize your service.
EDIT: don't bother telling me I'm a fckin moron for not realizing this before now; I never had any reason to.

I'm back with another episode review, this time of Waking History, an episode I finally saw for the first time today. Season 7 has been out for a while, so is this episode a good start for it?
Positives * Most of these positives are passive-aggressive positives that only work "in comparison". In other words, the bare minimum. Just like Day of the Dad, I don't like the inclusion of sci-fi, but unlike Day of the Dad and other episodes, this episode utilizes the sci-fi in a way that doesn't feel forced. In other words, not using sci-fi for the sake of it. * The show makes a bold choice in going full speed ahead with these absurd plots--this premise is silly, and the show knows that. I don't like them, but it's admirable to me that the show isn't afraid to be goofy. * Another thing I want to applaud is that the plot feels natural. Only really one small plothole and one contrivance at the very beginning (I personally wouldn't just leave a 5 year old who's expressed an interest to reanimate one of my exhibits unattended next to said exhibit...). * The moral made sense and was executed decently (though Lisa managed to avoid consequences for her actions; I will be shocked if Alvarez can trust Lisa again after she lied to her twice). The climax is.. acceptable (will elaborate if asked), and finally, the ending made sense, not utilizing a deus ex machina to quickly get its characters out of the situation they found themselves in. That gets the positives out the way, now for the criticism!
Lisa * Sadly, this episode does something Loud House does a lot, intentionally or not so; writing a character as less intelligent than they should be to fit the needs of the story. Lisa does and says things she would be above in earlier seasons. A good defense for this I saw in the singular other full review of this episode that was available is that Lisa is "still a very young girl with social problems and has to consider the dangers of treading unexplored territory". While I acknowledge that Lisa has some social ineptitude problems, my counterpoint is that previous iterations of Lisa were never this... naive. This is something Lisa would've picked up on in earlier seasons, with or without social ineptitude problems.
Structure * I consider it a bad sign when I can predict exactly what happens in an episode before I even watch it. I desperately hoped this episode wouldn't play out exactly as I expected, but it did. I don't mind simplistic stories where you can expect what happens--that's what the show is built off of--but the saving grace (AKA the jokes) didn't come through for me. With that, there was nothing left to excuse the episode for being generally formulaic and unimaginative. * The episode can be also repetitive at times--after Lisa reanimates Frances (the cavewoman), they waste a lot of time going through the museum with Lisa observing Frances, something that would probably be more tolerable if it had jokes I laughed out.
Fixes * I wonder what's the point of writing a section like this when most of my issues boil down to "I don't like the jokes". Overall, the main thing I'd focus on is Lisa. I'm not sure how to have her be the subject of an episode like this, when this is an issue with Lisa episodes in general--she comes across as more inept than she should be to learn a lesson, so a premise like this is dead on arrival. Something I could see working is this: Lily is learning about cavemen and wants to see a live caveman. Lisa is developing a reanimate ray, and warns Lily not to use it. Obviously she uses it. While fascinated by Frances at first, things quickly go wrong and she has to enlist Lisa for help. Yeah at this point it’s kinda a ripoff of Small Blunder and yeah it’s not perfect but it’s the best I got.
Answering my question from earlier, no. This is not a good start for the season. Welp, that’s all! If you enjoyed the episode, awesome. As always, these reviews are not meant to convince you to hate the episode, they're just me saying why I did not like it. Do you have anything to add? Something I missed? Did I overlook something? I welcome differing perspectives!

So, in my RPG that I'm trying to build, I did a lot of shopping around for which dice system to use. I settled on ORE because it's fast and extremely efficient, doesn't require much math, and it's easy to give players more advantage in the form of extra dice.
For those who haven't heard of the system, you roll a pool of d10s (the more, the better), and look for sets of the same number. So, if you roll 6 dice and get 2, 5, 5, 8, 8, 8 then you have 2 sets: two 5s and three 8s. This means, with one roll, you get three dimensions of information: Success or Failure (did I roll at least one set), width (how many dice in one set), and height (the number on the dice in the set). Typically, if you're rolling for combat, height is for damage, and width is for initiative order.
The biggest problem with the system is that even with 7 - 10 dice, getting even a set of 3 isn't guaranteed. The chance of getting a set of 3 is small, and a 4 or 5, even less so. Here is a table showing the probabilities of getting at least one of each type of set depending on the number of dice.
Some people simply swap the purpose of width and height. So height is initiative and width is damage, but then it takes the lethality out of they system, which I quite like.
Here's my solution:
So, having tried a lot of ideas such as using straights instead of sets (one number after the other, e.g. 2, 3, 4) or adding numbers up or multiplying, or some sort of success/failure system, I came up with this:

1. You have exploding dice. Roll a 10, regardless of if it's in a set, you roll an extra die. Rolled three 10s, roll 3 extra die.
2. Width is now determined by the number of dice in all sets. While a set of 3 or 4 is hard to get, two sets of 2 are quite easy to get. So rolling 3, 4, 4, 6, 6, 7 means width is 4, because 4 dice are in sets.
3. Rolling a set of 1s leads to a narrative consequence. The larger the width of the set, the bigger the consequence.
4. Each set can be considered its own action, or added up to be a big, powerful action. So, rolling 1. 3, 4, 4, 6, 6, 7 means you can do 2 attacks, one of 4, and one of 6, or one big attack of 10. Actions can also be used to defend against attacks from people lower in the initiative order. So, the 4 can be used in defence to take 4 points of damage off an attack someone else lands on you. And yes, if you use a big enough defence, it can hurt the person attacking you.

All of this leads to a granular system that's fun to play, but still quick to do. I thought the excitement of getting a higher width would be gone, but that is simply replaced with the excitement of the exploding dice.
But there are still 2 big problems. The first is that failing becomes a lot less frequent. This can be solved by simply saying you have to hit a certain target, such as rolling a height of at least 5, but I find that system inelegant. It'll have to do for now.
The other is that after a certain point, upgrading a skill for extra die isn't really all that important. My solution to this problem is to make it so abilities come with skill upgrades. But that involves creating abilities for every single skill, and that could be a bit daunting for players trying to figure out which skill to put their points in.
Anyways, let me know your thoughts. I'd love some feedback on this.
​
TL;DR: ORE with exploding dice and width is determined by counting dice in all sets, not individual sets. Each set can be used for different actions or added up for extra success.

(TW: Pet loss, grief, all the usual stuff that comes with that. I do not permit anyone reading this to share this outside of this post, as this is a deeply personal story.)
This is probably going to be a bit of a long post. Apologies in advance.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has had a similar experience, or can maybe explain why my parents did what they did whenever we had pets when I lived with them. There's three stories here, and I'm still trying to work out a lot of this stuff. I'm still trying to figure out if this was all part of the emotional neglect/abuse, or whether I had parents that just could not cope with any form of grief (theirs AND mine).
When I was about 7 or 8 (IIRC), my parents got me a pair of rabbits that I adored. I'd watch them for hours, feed them, the only thing my parents had to do was clean the hutch that we kept in the shed. After we had them for about a year, suddenly, they were just gone. I was distraught, and my parents said that they had to sell them to someone, because we had a problem with rats in the shed, and they were "biting the rabbits", and therefore we couldn't keep them. So that not only made me afraid to go in the shed, but naturally, I grieved. A lot. I couldn't handle that my rabbits were now someone else's and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Now, that last sentence is going to be a theme.
An important aside, I don't think my parents harmed the rabbits or unalived them, but I think the truth of the matter is they couldn't handle them and did give them away to someone else. But this sudden "vanishing" of things that I need to grieve has been a trend with them, and it only got worse.
We got my first dog, let's call him Fluffy. A beautiful shorkie who I basically lived and breathed for, I spent the majority of my waking moments with him by my side. Again I fed him, took him for walks, adored him with everything. We had him for a long time, until he started losing his sight and having seizures. Around this time I started my first job, which was a traumatic experience for me for reasons I won't get into. But one night when Fluffy had a seizure, my parents told me to come down and watch, saying that I needed to see it to understand that he wouldn't be with us much longer. I was distraught by this and received no comfort from them. Thankfully he did live a while longer, he had a nice little life even though he was on medications, he was managing fine. Then as I headed out to work one day, that morning he had a bad seizure, and had to get taken in to the vets. I didn't want to go in, but persuaded (pressured) by my parents, I went into work, thinking they'd maybe put him on fluids and keep him in, but he'd be home. I called home halfway through my day - and my mum said "Oh he's doing alright, the vets just have to keep him in for a bit.". Cue a big sigh of relief from me.
I get home that night, and the house is stripped bare of anything that showed that he ever existed. I knew something was wrong, and I look in the cupboard where I go to hang my coat, and they've piled all his things away. I start panicking, and my mum meets me in the corridor and tells me that they had to put him to sleep, but she didn't want to tell me when I was at work. I screamed, I broke down, my heart was in pieces, and I went to bed that night sobbing into one of his toys. Again, I wasn't given any chance to say goodbye.
Years down the line we got another dog, similar breed, let's call him Archie. Archie was even closer to me than Fluffy had been, and he legitimately saved my life so many times when I wanted to leave this world. He was my heart. It's been a couple of years, but I'm even emotional right now typing this because it still feels like without him there's something of my soul that's gone. I managed to move out with my partner, but because we both worked full time, I couldn't take Archie with me like I wanted to, he had bad separation anxiety and it would have been cruel to leave him in the house by himself. But my parents loved him a lot too, so I trusted them. They were both significantly declining in ill health, so they couldn't walk him - no problem, I'd walk him whenever I'd visit.
Then 2020 hit. Lockdown. I live a little bit away from my parents, and I don't drive, so I couldn't visit. My day would light up whenever I saw him on video calls, but I cried for so many nights hoping that Archie would know I hadn't abandoned him. Shortly after lockdowns were relieved, I got a call from my parents saying that Archie had jumped from the sofa and fell badly. That they'd had to take him in to emergency out of hours vets, and they weren't sure what the damage was, but his spine was damaged. The minute he was able to come home, I visited - he was out of it on pain meds, but he was managing to walk around a bit, but we arranged for a ramp, a little pen for him, everything he'd need to adjust to the reduced mobility. He seemed to be responding well, things were bad, for sure, but they seemed hopeful that he'd still be alright. I went home and said I'd come and see him next week, same time. I made them swear to me (though I didn't say why, now I know it was because of my previous experiences) that if anything needed to happen, they were to call me and I would drop everything I was doing to be with my boy, even if it was to hold him as he left. They promised me.
Two days later I get a call. My mum is crying in the background, my dad is emotional. I know immediately that something's up, that it's time that I call a cab and go over. My dad says that Archie took a bad turn. I say "Ok, I'm on my way, please just wait for me to get there, I won't be long." - and that's when he says the sentence that broke my entire world in two.
"He's already gone, we took him last night. We didn't want to wake you."
Immediately I feel my legs give out and I collapse against the couch, I have never felt such an immediate and paralysing wave of agony in my heart in my whole life. My partner had to hang up the call from my parents, because I had dropped the phone and was clinging to the couch as I scream, and howl. I hear my dad's voice on the speakerphone trying to get my partner to stop me from crying, to get me 'under control'. I felt like I was dying. I cried, sobbed, for hours. The next time I visit their house, which was a long time, once again, they've cleared away any trace of him, and put it in a cupboard. Just like they did with Fluffy. I can't work out why they did this three times to me in varying degrees, but after this, my relationship with them has been distant. I have no reason to want to visit them now that he's gone. I barely feel any love for them, and any time they try to say they love me, it feels like they're speaking in tongues.
I just can't work it out. Maybe it's their latent issues with grief and keeping up appearances, but those experiences specifically with pets have made me question whether my parents are capable of feeling, on a deep level. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Where there's just no chance to say goodbye, and everything gets pushed away as though the thing you need to grieve just never existed?
Sorry for the long post. I almost hope that I don't get any people saying they know how this feels, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy deserves this. Grief is already bad enough, but this is a whole other level of complex mess, that feels like a blockage, a void in my heart. If you have felt this and don't feel you can comment, I see you, and I'm sorry.