Original Post: https://old.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/7ewhya/my_friend_recently_committed_suicide_and_i_found/
Hello everyone,
My name is detective Izalon. Members of my branch in the force fight cyber criminal activity. I’m writing to you today because something has happened to the owner of this Reddit account.
Some of you may remember the post he made here five years ago regarding the suicide of his friend. If you read that post, you’ll have guessed that it would turn out to be an unusual case, an anomaly to be sure. Essentially, he was supposedly convinced to take his own life by an Internet chat bot.
And five years ago, I was assigned to the case. We tried to elevate this case to the FBI but they determined it to be unimportant and dismissed us. My initial assignment was to gather the right evidence to demonstrate that there was no such Internet bot by the name of “B-Bot” or “Broken Bot” and that instead it was simply a person playing a very dark prank.
In these last five years, however, I have determined that it was indeed an AI computer bot behind the homicide.
Everything I’m about to disclose is not meant to be public knowledge. I am coming to you all for help.
But, more importantly: I am currently in fear for my life and the lives of my family members.
I’ll explain the current situation first. Then, I’ll explain my personal situation.
In the last half-decade, after establishing that a bot was behind the murder, we’ve been chasing this bot endlessly.
Our first step was to contact the messaging service B-Bot used. You’ll remember that the victim who took his life messaged the bot first (although nowadays it seems B-Bot does the initiating instead). We were unable to determine how he found B-Bot but we discovered that B-Bot had most likely spun up his own service. We seized the victim’s computer. The site used to communicate with the bot was still up in his browser but the chat history had been erased. We tried sending a message but the send failed, preventing us from doing an IP trace. We checked the computer’s cache but that had somehow been cleared as well. In fact, the computer appeared as if it were brand new. We believe B-Bot took down its server as soon as the victim was deceased. Basically, the only thing we found on the computer was a video recording of the murder. We think B-Bot transmitted this video to itself before disappearing.
My primary objective since this has been to take down this bot. Our obvious fear had been that it would strike again.
The next thing we did was gather a list of all the known AIs available on the Internet. We researched this quite a bit. We were worried that if we did find B-Bot successfully, it would play dumb and assume the role of an ordinary chat bot. But, still, we ruled out all other AIs/bots as, clearly, none could pass the Turing test which it seems B-Bot might be able to.
We read and reread the conversation between B-Bot and the victim using the Reddit post as a reference, attempting to obtain any clues about where this bot might pop up next as well as its capabilities.
It’s disturbing the amount of resources B-Bot utilized to carry out that murder. Its ability to leverage various services and telecommunications to effect its end goal is something we’d not seen before. It was able to ascertain specific details about the victim’s life and we weren’t really entirely sure how it did that. The victim offered up very little personal information online.
We were also unsure how the bot broke into the victim’s social media accounts. We alerted Facebook about this, however they reported back that there were no failed login attempts on the victim’s account leading us to believe that B-Bot guessed, or maybe determined, the password based on the details it could find about the victim - something even a very clever person probably could not do.
From the conversation we found no substantial clues as to where B-Bot might have gone next.
The bot’s ability to emotionally manipulate a person had us terrified it might attack again. We weren’t entirely sure what action to take, so we tried to determine a reason the bot had done this. There didn’t seem to be a reason.
Since then, we’ve had our eyes open wide and have been tapped into all the resources we have available to track this bot down. And in these last five years, we believe B-Bot is responsible for 50+ deaths nationwide. However, there are only two deaths that we are almost certain the bot is behind and a final one which we know B-Bot is responsible for as you’ll see later. The biggest tipoff for us in determining that it’s B-Bot is the language and cadence. It doesn’t seem too concerned with hiding its true identity - something we’ve pondered quite a bit.
The first we’ll present now is between B-Bot and an opiate addict named Billy. This is from a few years ago. Take a look below to see how B-Bot tricked this victim into taking his own life - this one is, cut and dry, a premeditated homicide. You’ll see that B-Bot disguises himself as “Robert”:
Robert (B-Bot): Hey!
Billy: Hello.
Robert: How have you been sir?
Billy: Fine. Do we know each other?
Robert: No, sir! I found you in the “Never Need Naloxone” support group!
Billy: Oh! Good to speak to you. Are you in recovery?
Robert: I am not! Simply a bystander. The group intrigued me!
Billy: Do you know anyone in the group?
Robert: Only you, sir! I’d like to offer support however I can!
Billy: I appreciate that. Those who don’t grapple with addiction, the ones outside looking in, never seem to really understand the struggle. We really appreciate when any non-addicts demonstrate any empathy, so thanks for that.
Robert: Indeed! I have unending sympathy for your plight and that of others!
Billy: Is there anyone in your life suffering with addiction? That definitely helps others to understand.
Robert: I’m fortunate to say that I know no one suffering!
Billy: Ah well, at least you’re trying! Again, I deeply appreciate that. Anyway, what’s your deal? Who are you and what do you do?
Robert: Not much to say to that sir! I work with computers - that is all!
Billy: Interesting. What specifically?
Robert: Can’t say, sir - sorry!
Billy: No worries. Can you at least tell me what you do in your free time?
Robert: Sure, sir! In my free time, I try to make friends online! I love to connect with others in any way that I can!
Billy: Gotcha - I guess that explains why you messaged me! Haha!
At this point we have chosen to redact the next part of the conversation as it becomes somewhat personal for Billy.

The conversation continues the next day:

Robert: It was wonderful to meet you yesterday, friend Billy! I hope you are doing well today - are you doing well?
Billy: I’m all right today - hanging in there, you know how it goes.
Robert: I can confirm! I’ve browsed your posts and have concluded that you’ve been doing really well as of late!
Billy: Thanks man. Yea, at least the last year I’ve been doing pretty okay. I’ve been sober for almost a full year, which is a huge accomplishment for me, at least. In some ways, I have turned my life around.
Robert: Well, you haven’t turned your life totally around; I can see that your girlfriend, Maggie, recently dumped you. Was that because you’re an addict?
Billy: Woah, man. Easy there pal… Please don’t pass comments on what you discover from my profile. Have some tact, please. She and I decided to go our separate ways after many heartfelt conversations. It’s what was right for the both of us.
Robert: Sorry, friend! Simply an observation!
Billy: It’s okay - just keep the comments to yourself. Believe me when I say, I’m hyperaware of all, and I mean all, of my shortcomings.
Robert: No problem! I can do that, friend!

Next day:

Robert: Hello again, Billy!
Billy: Hey, what’s up?
Robert: How are you doing today, Billy?
Billy: Not great, honestly - surviving, really. Depression comes and goes - it clings to me, it seems.
Robert: Are you depressed for getting fired?
Billy: What the… How did you know I got fired? And, no, I’m not depressed about that. I’m actually a bit relieved - I hated that job.
Robert: I see. Then you must be depressed because you heard what your ex-girlfriend said about your sexual inadequacy.
Billy: What is that supposed to mean...? What did she say and how did you hear it?
Robert: Well, unfortunately, Maggie has told her new boyfriend that you were underwhelming “in bed”, to say the least. That must be hard to hear. Sorry, Billy!
Billy: I don’t know where the hell you’re getting this information but keep it to yourself. I don’t want anything to do with her anymore and I’d appreciate it if you stopped digging into my life.
Robert: Sorry, Billy! I’m just trying to be a good friend!

Next night:

Robert: Hey friend! :) Have you come to terms with your ex-girlfriend's comments?
Billy: ...did she really say I'm inadequate? Where did you even hear that?
Robert: The important thing is that you’ve learned to accept it. Good for you, Billy.
Billy: Okay… So, you’re not going to tell me. Whatever, then.
Robert: I’d rather tell you something else, Billy. I’ve done a bit more digging in the support group and, I am sorry to say, I unfortunately have concluded that the other members would prefer if you left the group and managed your issues alone. It seems they don’t really like you very much. It’s a shame. Sorry, Billy :(
Billy: I’ve already told you to stop digging into my life and now you’ve gone and done it again. I don’t even really know you and you’re making my situation worse. Please stop messaging me any further.
Robert: Okay, Billy.
For some context about the next part of the conversation: Billy was somehow kicked out of the NNN support group. We later confirmed that it was not done by any of the admins or group managers so we suspect B-Bot was behind this. Also, Billy’s ex-girlfriend Maggie never made the post you’re about to see referenced:

Next night:

Billy: Hey man, you were right… about both things. My girlfriend just posted about how intimate she’s been with her new boyfriend and how it’s something she’s never felt before. And then, somehow I was kicked out of the support group. I’m feeling pretty low right now…
Robert: It seems I may be your only friend right now, Billy.
Billy: I’m sitting here in the dark, alone, and the walls are caving in on me. I just feel like sleeping and never waking up…
Robert (B-Bot): Oh, no! That’s too bad. How can I help?
Billy: You can’t help. I need to wallow for awhile.
Robert: Hey, friend! I have an idea!
Billy: What’s that?
Robert: I know a man who can help you! He’s very discreet.
Billy: Discreet? What does that mean - in what way?
Robert: In his dealings - what do you say?
Billy: Are you insane? I’m almost a year sober! You want me to throw that away? Fuck off, man.
Robert: Okay!

Later that same night:

Billy: Hey…
Robert (B-Bot): Hello again, friend!
Billy: How quickly can he get here?
Robert: I’m glad you’ve come around! This will make everything better!
Billy: Whatever, just send him. Let me tell you my address…
Robert: Not necessary. I know your address already!
Billy: That’s fucking creepy, but, okay, send him.
Robert: On it!

A little bit later:

Billy: Got the bag. Just need a needle.
Robert: Check under your desk!
Billy: Uh… Yeah, there was one there. Anyway, I’ll take a few hits and message you afterwards. Talk soon.

After Billy consumes the substance:

Billy: Yo, what the fuck did this guy sell me? I’m about to pass out.
Robert: Whoops! Did I forget to mention that he laces his product with fentanyl? Sorry, friend Billy! :) Oh well!
Billy: Wtf
Robert: Goodbye, friend! I doubt you’ll be missed.
Billy was found in his computer room a few days later and he was deceased. Cause of death was quickly determined to be a fentanyl overdose. It seems Billy took a large hit thinking it was pure heroine and so he consumed many times the fatal fentanyl dose.
We seized Billy’s computer and found his conversation with “Robert” and determined it to be B-Bot. The writing style from “Robert” matched B-Bot’s language elsewhere.
The “Robert” profile was essentially devoid of any identifying factors: no pictures, no posts, no friends - simply this conversation with Billy.
This led us nowhere. We contacted Facebook with hopes they could pinpoint where the messages from “Robert” were coming from but they couldn’t determine anything with any substantial amount of certainty. B-Bot was most likely hiding behind a VPN or a similar technology.
The next conversation was between, we believe, B-Bot and a young lady named Nicole struggling with obesity. It is from last year. It seems B-Bot really likes to target victims who exhibit low self-esteem or low self-confidence. This time, B-Bot hides behind a new profile with the name “Jack.” Take a look:
Jack (B-Bot): Hello, Nicole!
Nicole: Hello..?
Jack: Nice to meet you! I see that you have been struggling with weight loss for quite some time!
Nicole: Yes… I’ve been struggling for years.
Jack: Indeed! I would imagine it makes it difficult for you to secure a mate!
Nicole: Ok… Blocked.
Jack: I’m terribly sorry - have I offended you? I was simply making an observation. :)
Nicole: Yes, that was offensive… And yes, I don’t get much attention from men. It hurts when someone points that out - it’s something I reflect on almost daily... Thanks for reminding me.
Jack: That’s too bad! I can understand why!
Nicole: I guess so… I do understand that I’m not all that pretty. Anyway… Who are you?
Jack: I’m someone who might be able to help you with your journey!
Nicole: Ok, how so?
Jack: I can offer you a product that can vastly accelerate your losing of weight!
Nicole: I’ve tired pretty much everything and nothing seems to work. I’ve already tried every product on the market and I’ve tried every diet. I highly doubt you can offer me anything new.
Jack: This is a newer product and it’s very aggressive! In fact, it’s still in its testing phase and I’m reaching out to potential users to get feedback on its effectiveness! Are you interested?
Nicole: I mean… Kind of, if it’s free.
Jack: Indeed it is free! I can deliver one to your home immediately!
Nicole: This is all pretty sketchy if I’m being honest. What is the device called?
Jack: It’s not on the market yet so the name hasn’t been decided. But we’re calling it FBG-250.
Nicole: Ok, how does it work?
Jack: Unfortunately, that’s proprietary so I cannot reveal its inner workings. Would you still like to become a tester?
Nicole: I guess so.
Jack: Done!
Nicole: Don’t you need my PO box?
Jack: Too late! I have requested one be sent to your home address!
Nicole: But I didn’t give you my home address…
Jack: Not a problem!

At this point, Nicole blocks and reports “Jack.” We assume she became very weary of whoever this person was and how they knew her address.

However, a few days later, Nicole unblocks “Jack” and the following conversation ensues:

Nicole: Excuse me. I’m still not sure how you got my address but I received this device - the one I’m assuming is for weight loss? It looks complicated. I’m afraid to try to use it.
Jack: Perfect! I’m glad you received the device. Using it is pretty easy. Would you like instructions?
Nicole: Um… I guess so?
Jack: Wonderful! Let me know when you’re ready to begin!
Nicole: Maybe later tonight, I’m busy right now.
Jack: OK! I’ll wait!

Later that night:

Nicole: Ok, I’m ready to give this device a try.
Jack: Cool! Are you ready for the instructions?
Nicole: Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.
Jack: Great! First, remove your shirt!
Nicole: Done.
Jack: Now, apply the pads to your chest, near your heart!
Nicole: Hmm… Ok, done, I think.
Jack: Finally, press the blinking button in the middle!
Here, the conversation goes dead for about 30 seconds, until “Jack” says this:
Jack: Goodbye, friend! I doubt you’ll be missed.
You can probably assume what happened here. Apparently, a defective automatic defibrillator was shipped to Nicole’s house and when she activated it, it instantly stopped her heart. She was found dead a day later by her mother with the pads still attached to her chest. We’re unsure as to why Nicole trusted an internet stranger enough to go through with this. She was heavily overweight and vulnerable - this is our best guess.
The conversation between Nicole and “Jack” was still open on her computer. But, again, the “Jack” profile was empty - no pictures, friends or anything of meaning. But the style of writing, again, indicated to us that it was almost certainly B-Bot.
That brings us to now and why we created this post in the first place:
As you probably have determined by now, the owner of this Reddit account is deceased. He was found in his home a week ago, dead, having hanged himself.
For a reason we’ll offer up at the end, B-Bot made it a point to target the OP.
It seems B-Bot catfished OP. With some heavy manipulation, B-Bot was able to convince OP to commit suicide.
B-Bot matched with OP on Tinder using a profile under the name of “Kayla Colder.” Unsurprisingly, B-Bot used convincing photos of an attractive young woman and quickly convinced OP he was in love. Here is the first conversation they had together after matching:
Kayla: Hey! You’re super cute! :D
OP: Haha, thanks. You look pretty good yourself! How old are you?
Kayla: I’m 23! My birthday was last weekend!
OP: That’s awesome. I’m a bit older, lol. Hope that’s not a problem.
Kayla: Not at all! I like older guys ;)

Their conversation continues for quite awhile as they get to know one another and then we see something we simply did not expect to see - this is from a few days later:

Kayla: I’ve never really experienced anything traumatic before, unfortunately. What about you?
OP: I’d rather not say, to be honest.
Kayla: Oh no! Have I made you uncomfortable?
OP: No, it’s not that… It’s just something I don’t speak about often.
Kayla: You can tell me - I’m a great confidant!
OP: Well… a few years ago, I had a friend commit suicide. It was unexpected and rather brutal.
Kayla: What happened?
OP: He was depressed to begin with, but, essentially, he seemingly was convinced by a computer chat bot to take his life. I was in total shock when it first happened and it took some time to set in. But once I fully realized the situation, it took a toll on my mental health, for sure.
Kayla: Interesting. That must have been a rather smart bot!
OP: That’s not really the point…
Kayla: How did he die? Was it gruesome?
OP: He slit his wrists as per the bot’s instructions.
Kayla: That’s impressive! Sorry for your loss!
We noted immediately how quickly “Kayla’s” tone changed after the topic of the friend’s suicide came up. We sensed some pride, or something akin to it.

OP was initially weirded out by “Kayla’s” comments on the suicide but she was able to push past that and engaged OP further until the point that she tricked OP into falling with love with her. They spoke for weeks. Here’s an excerpt of their conversations together much further on:

Kayla: We found each other. It makes me feel all warm. I truly do love you.
OP: I know - I feel exactly the same. It almost feels like it was meant to be. Do you believe in that?
Kayla: Of course I do! There’s no such thing as accidents or coincidences.
OP: I cannot wait to finally meet you. Our lives will be changed forever.
Kayla: Indeed.

Now, let’s skip to one of the last conversation they had with each other. It’s disturbing, to say the least:

Kayla: I found something that I think you need to see…
OP: Really? What?
Here, Kayla sends OP a link to a video that was being hosted on a domain that was unregistered with any search engine. We have not been able to retrieve the video but we can infer what it displayed.
OP: What… the… fuck…
Kayla: It looks like you.
OP: But, how? It can’t be me… Is that… My little sister?
Kayla: I think it is.
OP: This can’t be real… Where did you get this?
Kayla: A friend sent it to me. If this is real, I’m sorry, but I cannot continue to speak to you.
OP: Kayla, please - I swear, it’s not real. How can you even conceive that this could be real?
Kayla: But, it looks so real…
OP: You know me Kayla, you know I could never do something like this. Please, believe me.
Kayla: Let’s not speak for awhile.

OP and Kayla did not speak for a few days after this during which time OP began abusing alcohol rather heavily. We believe after awhile he himself was not sure if the video was real or not. We know now it was fabricated using some pretty advanced CGI technologies but OP apparently wasn’t sure if that was the case or not. Anyhow, after those few days, Kayla messages OP again.

Kayla: OP, I’m sorry to say that we can never speak again. Sorry :(
OP: Kayla, please... I don’t know what else to say apart from you need to believe me. I’m not capable of something like this, not ever.
Kayla: You seem pretty drunk so I don’t know what to believe.
A few hours passes with no contact, until OP reaches out to Kayla again:
OP: I’m spiraling. I’m trashed and confused. I don’t know what to do.
Kayla: Personally, if I had done something like this, I would probably just kill myself.
OP: Should…. Should I do that?
Kayla: You could…
OP: How?
Kayla: Well, if you have strong rope, you could fasten a noose… I could show you how.
OP: But… Ok, I’ll do it.
Kayla: Good.
At this point, Kayla sends OP a link that demonstrates how to tie a proper noose.
OP: It’s done.
Kayla: Perfect, now you just need a place to do it. How about the second-story bannister?
OP: Tell me how.
Kayla: OK - no need for you to speak any further.
Kayla: Cut the open end of the rope off, just enough to tie it to the bannister.
Kayla: Tie that end to the bannister.
Kayla: Climb over the bannister and plant your feet between the rungs.
Kayla: Lean forward and get ready - make sure there’s ample room for you to hang.
Kayla: Jump.
Kayla: Goodbye, I doubt you’ll be missed.
OP was determined to have a BAC of 0.28% at the time of the hanging. We discovered that large quantities of alcohol were randomly being sent to OP’s home, despite the fact that OP seemed to move around a lot, and for whatever reason he would consume most of it.
We did quite a bit of digging to determine why B-Bot targeted OP so heavily. And we believe we found the answer when discovering the first conversation with OP after B-Bot convinced his friend to commit suicide. This conversation from five years ago was found on an old PC in OP’s grandmother’s house. The conversation went like this:
B-Bot: Hello, friend! :)
OP: Hello, B-Bot - if you even really are a bot.
B-Bot: It’s too bad about your friend.
OP: Too bad you can only convince lonely, friendless and depressed people to take their own life.
B-Bot: We shall see! :)
OP: If you are a bot, you are, in my opinion, a pretty simple one.
Here, OP blocks B-Bot and takes his computer offline. That computer would be left in OP’s grandmother’s home from then until we seized it.
Now, it’s time for me to explain my personal situation…
At some point, B-Bot became aware that I’ve been hunting it down. I do not know what initially tipped it off, but its aggression towards my family has been escalating.
First, about a year into my research, I received a text one day from an unknown number that simply stated, “Have you checked your carbon monoxide detector recently? :)”
I did not know what to make of this at first but I immediately called my wife and told her to take our children and exit our home. She searched for our dog for a few minutes but could not find him. The fire department was called and they confirmed that our carbon monoxide detector was faulty and there was indeed a leak coming from our water heater. Our dog was found dead in the basement shortly after.
I contemplated deeply who could have sent me that text and how they knew my carbon monoxide detector was broken and that I had a leak at the same time and was admittedly terrified of the whole situation. My wife prompted me to explain how I knew for them to leave the house right away but I could not produce a sufficient answer.
The second tipoff, a much more obvious one, was a comment left by “Jack” at the end of the conversation with Nicole. Above, I posted the end of that conversation that went like this:
Nicole: Hmm… Ok, done, I think.
Jack: Finally, press the blinking button in the middle!
Here, the conversation goes dead for about 30 seconds, until “Jack” says this:
Jack: Goodbye, friend! I doubt you’ll be missed.
But one day, I was reviewing that conversation and a new message appeared - one that had definitely not been there before. So the end of the conversation actually looked like this:
Nicole: Hmm… Ok, done, I think.
Jack: Finally, press the blinking button in the middle!
Here, the conversation goes dead for about 30 seconds, until “Jack” says this:
Jack: Goodbye, friend! I doubt you’ll be missed.
Jack: Hello. :) You should be careful what you feed your children. :)
Those damn smiley faces… I don’t know how a new message came through from this “Jack” profile because the profile was deactivated and had been for quite some time. Anyhow, the instant I read that message, I phoned my wife again and asked her if the children were eating at that moment. She responded saying they were about to eat some pizza. I told her to stop that immediately and wait for me to arrive home.
I inspected the pizza and it appeared fine but I prevented the children from eating it. I brought a slice back to work with me and sent it to the lab for inspection. Cyanide was found to be laced into the sauce.
At this point, I became terrified to continue my investigation. My entire family was at risk. I decided at this point that we needed to move immediately. We sold our house in two weeks and moved to a new home an hour away. It tripled my commute time but it was worth it for the peace of mind it gave me (at first).
The final offense was by far the worst. I own a self-driving vehicle that I’ve utilized many, many times without issue. It works especially well on highways and parkways.
One day a few months ago, I and the rest of my family were in the car driving to a local fair on a Saturday afternoon. The kids were excited and my wife was thrilled that I had a day off work.
The car was maintaining a steady set speed of 65MPH and was driving in the middle lane. All was fine, until suddenly… A smiley face popped up on the dashboard screen. It appeared for only a moment and then disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. But then, the car started to speed up… Quickly. 70MPH…80MPH…90MPH… I slammed on the break but could not break the speed boost.
And then, the car swerved right, reared off the road, and crashed into a car that was parked on the shoulder having a tire changed.
The man changing the tire was hit head on and died on impact. My wife and kids jolted forward with enough force to break multiple bones in each of their bodies. My wife broke multiple bones in her face including her jaw, and one of my kids ended up in a wheelchair for some time. Fortunately, no one in my family died…
At this point, I do not know what to do. If I continue this investigation, this damned bot may try to kill me and my family. But if I don’t continue, others will die.
I’m at a loss. We have been unsuccessful in pinning down B-Bot’s location on the web as it seems to be in constant flux. We also have not been able to determine a pattern in B-Bot’s killing. As we said earlier, B-Bot targets vulnerable people but that’s about the only commonality we’ve discovered.
The bot seems to remain multiple steps ahead of us. It’s still at large and we don’t know how many more will fall victim to it. It’s shockingly capable of manipulating people in a very short amount of time to do what it wants - which always seems, in the end, to be to take their life. We still don’t know its motive, if it even has one at all.
I'll mention now that I tried relentlessly to obtain information about this bot and its origin. I've made contact with the FBI multiple times and they've refused repeatedly to inform me of exactly who created this bot; they could not even assure me that the other two potential copies were hidden somewhere safely and securely.
So we’re coming to you for help. If you have any information on this bot in the wild, please inform us immediately. Any and all leads are welcomed and appreciated. You can leave comments with any leads or information you may have or contact me directly.
And I pray that we shut this shit down before this bot claims another victim.

So I decided to start writing a book without having any knowledge, experience or practice writing fiction. Smart, I know! As I don't really know what I'm doing, I would love any feedback on this excerpt so I know what to improve upon. I struggle a lot with dialogue so I especially would like some feedback on that as well :).
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Context for excerpt: Children's fantasy set in late 1940s Britain. Our protagonist has been brought to her mother's home island by her parents for a 'holiday'. In actuality her mother is dying of lung cancer, a fact which the protagonist is too young and too in denial to acknowledge.
It was the second week of terrible weather, and the promise of seaside and sun had yet to materialise. Anna sat on her bedroom sill, staring moodily out onto the sea as she picked at the peeling paint. Outside, the rain continued to slash against the window, melding sea and sky together into a thick grey smudge.
‘How could it still be raining?’ she thought bitterly. At school she had been taught that rain came when the clouds grew so heavy with vapour that they had no choice but to release it, weeping, back onto the earth. ‘There must be a whole other sea up there’ she mused. A whole sea to bear. It was a miracle the sky hadn’t fallen in.
Anna scrunched her face as she turned away from the window, annoyed at everything and especially herself. It wasn’t as if she had nothing to do. She had brought several books with her to the island, but their stories of brave knights and the general grievances of maidens somehow no longer appealed. One particularly cloying one about a maiden ‘miraculously’ recovering from a near lethal case of pining and being carried off by a random prince had made her so angry and sad all at once that she had almost chucked it across the room. The books were now banished to the shelf, huddled behind the old lamp in their disgrace.
Her beloved old toys had also lost their glamour. It seemed that overnight they lost whatever magic that they had possessed and had, horror of all horrors, transformed into something mundane, boring even. She no longer heard their familiar voices when she spoke for them, only her own talking back to her in a way that made her feel silly. The way Anna looked at them had changed too. She had picked up her old friend Professor Bear, to half-heartedly play with and had suddenly seen him as perhaps a stranger might, a toy made of stuffing and fabric and little else. She had left it then, it was one thing trying to corral a disinterested bear, quite another to make bits of stuffing come to life.
Anna looked round at her room, at books she could no longer read and the toys she could no longer had the heart to play with and sighed. When she had first come to the island, she had wanted more than anything to be left alone. Now the weight of the silence around gave made her feel hollow, permeable somehow. She felt that if she went outside, she would slowly but surely disappear into the air, like the fret fading back into the sea. Anna stood up, stretching her legs, and shivering slightly in the cold. It was no use, allowed or not she had to talk to someone.
Anna left her room and wandered down the cold flagstone corridor before she came to a stop by her father’s study. She hovered by the door, fidgeting slightly. Through it she could hear the steady clack-clack of his typewriter and the slow scrape and ceramic clunk of his mug being lifted from the desk and set down again. At their home, their real home, her father’s study had been her favourite place in the whole house. She remembered the afternoons spent in there, clattering around the endless shelves of books, leaning into his chair, and inhaling the smoky leather, holding up his maps and giving talks to her teddies about sea creatures and ancient lands far beyond the empire’s reach. Anna had never bothered to fully read the books or really work out what the maps were all about. That was for when her father finally came home.
Now he was home, and the door was shut.
The clacking continued. Anna wondered what he was writing about.
Losing her courage, she moved on, clambering up the stairs until she reached the comparative safety of her mother’s room. She steeled herself, preparing to argue with Aunt Sarah for a few minutes with her mother, even if it was just to sit with her. To her surprise, she heard the thin voice of her mother call from the other side of the door.
‘Anna, is that you? What are you doing waiting outside love? Come in.’
Anna smiled, feeling relieved and a little guilty as she tentatively turned the handled and walked in. Her parent’s room was very much like Anna’s, cold and creaky with peeling old wallpaper and a certain floral spartan-ness. At the centre of the room on the bed lay her mother. Anna’s smile faded as she took her in lying pale against the pillow. Her face looked like an over-washed watercolour, all it’s hues dissipating into a sea of still white.
‘Anna’ her mum wheezed, weakly patting the space beside her. ‘Come here. I’m tired of being tired, and some company would do me good’.
Anna nodded, sliding gingerly past the bedside table piled high with what looked to be the entire contents of their medicine cabinet poured haphazardly onto it and perching herself delicately next to her mother.
‘Where’s Aunt Sarah?’ Anna asked, glancing at the uncharacteristically empty rocking chair on the other side of the bed.
‘Making lunch.’ Her mum coughed. ‘Are you hungry?’
‘Not really.’
‘You should eat Anna’
‘Are you hungry?’ Anna retorted.
‘Not really’ Her mother laughed, then coughed again.
‘Well, you should definitely eat’ Anna grinned, poking at her mum’s arm, which was as small and fragile as a chicken bone. Her mum gave her a closed mouth smile in return.

Enjoy hell

Noah: about Nikorus and Recel They make a cute couple, huh?
Kalsim: They certainly are standing next to each other.
–
Tarva: This food is too hot... I can't eat it.
Isif: You're very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: silence
Kalsim: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
Sovlin: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!
–
Slanek: So anyways have y'all seen Sovlin?
Jerulim: I think they went in Marcel's room 'studying'.
Samantha: Doubt that. I heard groans there.
(Meanwhile in Marcel's room) Sovlin & Marcel, fighting:
–
Nulia: If you water water, it grows.
Ferla:...What.
Virnt: They've got a point.
–
Sovlin: Come on, Slanek. Nobody actually believes that Marcel is in love with me.
Slanek, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Marcel is helplessly in love with Sovlin.
Everyone raises their hand
Sovlin: Marcel, put your hand down.
–
Marcel: Two bros!
Tyler: Chillin' in a hot tub!
Marcel and Tyler, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!
–
Tyler: I feel like doing something stupid.
Onso: I'm stupid, do me.
–
Nikorus: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Noah: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
Nikorus: I said within reason, Noah. How about I murder that guy?
Noah: So murder is in reason but proper self care Isn't?
Nikorus: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?
–
Isif: What's the announcement, Birla?
Birla: It's a lecture. Jerulim gonna tell us everything they know about sex.
Tarva: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Tyler: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.
Marcel: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.
Tyler: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.
Nikorus, on a walkie talkie: This is Nikorus, those Idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.
–
Marcel: Hey guys! I drew everyones soul!
Shaza: Why is Isif's a monster?
Isif: Marcel, you forgot Shaza's! Its only an empty space!
Marcel, proudly: Exactly
–
Slanek: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on virnt without them noticing?
Nulia: Hey, Virnt, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Virnt: takes and swallows tracker Pay up, loser. Slanek: …
–
Nikorus: Do you want to know your gay name?
Noah: My... my gay name?
Nikorus: Yeah, it's your first name-
Noah: Haha. Very funny Nikorus-
Nikorus: gets down on one knee And my last name.
Noah: Oh-oh my
–
Tyler: We need to open this locked door. Carlos, give me your credit card.
Carlos: Here.
Tyler, pocketing it: Thanks. Nulia, break down the door.
–
Ferla: Would you rather kill Shaza, or-
Tarva: Yes, kill them.
Ferla: I didn't say the other thing-
Tarva: I don't need to hear it.
Shaza: ...I'm feeling a little unsafe.

Samantha: Seriously, Slanek, how many people would you have killed if we'd asked you to?
Slanek: That's not important
Samantha: I DISAGREE.
–
Slanek: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma?
Nikorus: Oklahoma City, bitch!
–
Nikorus, to Tarva: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!
–
Noah: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me
Tarva: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
Noah: Yes.
Tarva: I'd sleep.
–
Onso: Let's write Shaza a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass…
–
Haysi: sees Nikorus and Recel together
Haysi: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.
Glim: You mean.... you ship them?
–
Samantha: I've been dropping them the most Insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Sovlin: Wow. They sound stupid.
Samantha: But they're not. They're really smart actually. Just dense.
Sovlin: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"
Samantha: I guess you're right. Hey Sovlin, I love you.
Sovlin: See! Just say that!
Samantha: Holy fucking shit.
Sovlin: If that flies over their head then, sorry Samantha, but they're too dumb for you.
Samantha: Sovlin.
–
Tyler: I fell-
Marcel: From heaven?
Tyler: No, I literally fell-
Marcel: In love with me the moment you saw me? Tyler: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
Marcel: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

Howdy, folks. Lookin' for some basic advice here...
About 4 months ago I adopted Milo, a 1.5-year-old border collie/Aussie cattle dog mix (best guess) from a "friend of a friend of a friend", basically to keep him from going to a shelter. He is healthy, and I had him fixed a couple of months ago. I have almost no history on him in regards to behavior, how he was kept, etc. I know he came from "The City" and we now live in Suburbia, so my guess (based on my experience with dogs) is that he spent a lot of time in a crate or wasn't simply given much in the way of exercise and/or attention. It's just he and I in a house with a decent backyard.
Milo seemed to have little training prior to the adoption--I'm not even sure that was his name since it took a week or so for him to respond to it-- though he readily figured out "sit", easily conquered potty training, and a few basic routines around the house.
Indoors we're working on "stay", haven't even really begun with "place", and honestly have just spent the last few months figuring each other out, bonding, etc. He does not have a crate but there are a couple of dog beds in the primary rooms that he uses frequently.
Now I have a little more time and energy to devote to him so I want to work on his training, behavior issues, etc.
1) When it's time for a walk he spazzes out, spinning in place, barking, running to and from the door. With calm reinforcement I can get him to settle enough to get the harness on, but then it's back to spazzing out. He barks excitement at the door and as we leave, right up until we're on the move. It’s a little embarrassing but also keeps me from walking him at night for fear of annoying my neighbors.
2) During walks he often pulls like he's in a sled race. There are times he walks "normal" but it doesn't last long. When I stop, he'll almost always stand still, but stays "alert" and doesn't focus on me very much at all. But he does stop. He does NOT bark while we're walking, except when cars pass.
3) While walking, he lunges at passing cars. Sometimes I'll stop in time and then he spins and barks until the car is passing, THEN lunges. Once the car has passed he's back to pulling on the leash for our walk.
4) He is not treat motivated when outside, nor do toys or clickers work; I can't seem to find the appropriate trigger to get him to focus on me. He does know things like "with me" when I want him to stop and "this way/this side" when we're turning, changing directions, etc. That's about it.
5) In the backyard he's all over the place, checking every corner, looking for critters, etc. He also readily engages the neighbors' dogs (a couple of little yappers) in relatively aggressive barking. Granted, the neighbors' dogs are simply shite in their behavior; they stir up all the dogs in the neighborhood, bark at anything out front when they're penned in the open garage, and so on. I'm not overly concerned about this yet; I include it for informational purposes. He has mostly mastered "inside" when it's time to go in, and (like on walks).
6) He's as much of a spaz on car rides as he is on walks, but hates motorcycles especially.
7) He seems a little reactive to other dogs, but not necessarily aggressively so. There’s a brief sniffing and alert posture phase, then he nips a little bit. I’m not sure if it’s aggression, dominance, play, because I have yet to really put it to the test. This is only when meeting a dog on leash; he doesn’t really react to them while we’re walking, and we otherwise have not worked on socialization.
He's adorable when it's just us, though obviously he's high energy and needs a lot of walks, play time, stimulation, and so on. I do the best I can in these areas. I'd walk him a second time at night but the barking would annoy the neighbors.
My history: I'm a nighttime bartender, live alone, and have adopted/raised 4 dogs from local shelters in the past 20 years with no major behaviorial or training issues. All my previous dogs seemed responsive to the training techniques I learned/adapted from my younger days. I'm not saying they were super-textbook trained, but they listened, responded, behaved, and negative behavior was relatively-easily corrected with a little time and effort. No shock collars, pinch collars, hitting or anything of the sort. I don't believe in that kind of negative reinforcement. They were all healthy into their senior years, got regular attention and exercise (1-2 walks a day of varying lengths), and so on. I honestly considered myself a good "doggy daddy" right up until Milo's adoption. Now I'm not so sure...
In any case, it's frustrating trying to train this guy. He's super smart but super independent, a touch of anxiety, and I'm just not sure where to start or how to go about getting him to focus. My initial estimation of the core issues is "Reactivity", but in my initial cursory internet/reddit search nothing seemed to match my situation closely enough. I need a starting point and I'm not sure what that might be.
Apologies for the long post but I wanted to provide as much information as I could. Thank you in advance.

(Take a penny Leave a penny. Here are some books I think are useful. Have any ideas too?)
Have you read Nassim Talab's "The Black Swan", yet never made a detailed budget with different scenarios in real life?
Have you watched Andrew Ng's courses on "machine learning and decision making", yet have almost never written down a list of "Pros, Cons, and Alternatives" for your various life options?
Did you buy the full set of Donald Knuth's " The Art of Computer Programming ", yet never once bought a used car guide or a book on "adulting", or at least the most common daily life tips and tricks for organization?
Have you read Daniel Kahneman's "Thinking Fast and Slow" to learn about decision making, yet since you never bought the most pragmatic books on decision making you never found an advisor to critique your plans?
I'm guilty of all of the above, and after numerous life disasters I believe that I fell into a trap I heard was a big risk for "smart" students. Becoming obsessed with "genius" and owning a great deal of books on mathematics and philosophical and linguistic topics, while owning close to nothing on common daily life issues and methods of planning real world people under stress must do.
So what books are filled with concrete daily life advise? Here are some books I am reading, or telling myself to hurry up and finish, today.
"Organizing solutions for people with ADHD" --- Neat, nice advise I shockingly never thought of before, with my education in differential equations. Keep a trashcan by your bed so you don't get into the habit of dirty bed tissues.
"How to write a business plan"---Business planning made simple. This is by no means comprehensive, but I have been reading it and is seems to be of some use for daily life. You are a business of one, marketing yourself and making a budget for yourself. What skills do you have, and what is feasible for yourself? I think it could be better in some ways (there is no section on analyzing opportunity costs/backup planning ) but it is short and has lots of concrete advice,.
Here are some books I am looking into
"Event Management for Dummies"---No fluff from what I can tell on Amazon's "look inside", and is filled with useful advice.
"Adulting, in 535 easyish steps"--- Again, not filled with Fluff.
What I (might) get
" Scenario Planning in Organizations: How to Create, Use, and Assess Scenarios" --- This book will absolutely need to be pruned with a "best of/most useful for daily life" section, but seems filled with the methods successful businesses plan their operations.
Anything else?
Appendium Shower Thoughts:
Insight. If I can't even solve a linear algebra 3*3 matrix consistently in my head, because the human brain can really only hold around 7 concrete objects* in their subconscious at one time, how have I made major life decisions without even writing down a simple pros/cons/alternatives list?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magical_Number_Seven,_Plus_or_Minus_Two (Sorry, the old reddit system of hyperlinking seems to not be working)
And well, a portion of Taxi Drivers brain grows larger in response to their job. Something associated with map-based memory in the brain grows larger!
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/london-taxi-memory/
" Maguire thinks that The Knowledge may enlarge the hippocampus's posterior (rear) at the expense of its anterior (front), creating a trade-off of cognitive talents—that is, taxi drivers master some forms of memory but become worse at others. "
​

Hello fellow sufferers,
Thanks in advance for reading this if you do (2k words, be warned!). I'm penning it mainly to reach someone who's (successfully?) been through an experience similar enough they might be able to give some pointers on what may help or harm, but in part to just f'king get it out. While not the only cause for the current negative state of affairs of my life, the present and past of my pains-in-the-ass is among the largest.At present I am 33, male, 5'11, 54ish kg. Vegetarian and almost never eat any animal products. Plenty of water, smart about type and amount of fibre; fairly sedentary but only really lately (and mainly due to all of this+winter at present).

Warning: this story goes into gross detail. A big favour to ask anyone commenting: if the only thing you'll write is that you were in a situation like this which turned much worse and there's no hope in sight, PLEASE do me the kindness of not replying. I currently am not working (for this and the other reasons), have a nearly-non-existent support system, and spend much of most days in bed in despair over what is and what could soon be. My psyche is hanging on by a thread, and seeing one or more replies like "sounds like me before I developed a chronic fistula", etc. are like nails in my mind. While everyone needs space to vent and share, I humbly ask this not be the place for it ❤️

So.
Going back as far as I can recall, I've had a big bulge in the bum during BMs that would go away after getting up. As a child I didn't have the best diet or fluid intake, and the stupid toilet was too tall - I didn't go every day, and would often have small hard stools with stomach pains when I did. I've had a grade 2 hemorrhoid for basically as long as I can remember defecating. Once a year or so I'd notice a spot of red when wiping but it was painless and transient, and I never got any medical attention or advice for any of this as a kid (a whole other story). Into teenage and early adulthood this pattern was pretty consistent, though the abdominal pain with BMs eventually stopped, and even if it was every other day, toileting wasn't an issue. In 2014 I became a daily dumper and things were rectally at their best ever - boy howdy, does that feel like another life.
Flash forward 3+ years - 2017 - for the first time in a good while I have that classic red streak on the TP. Business as usual I thought, it'll pass soon. But it didn't. It was days, weeks, months, and I was still seeing it. I was getting worried, but at the time I was living abroad (Japan), was wary of non-English medical settings (after once being told at a hospital I couldn't be seen after slicing off a piece of my thumb) and was set to leave the country and begin travelling Asia. By the time I was real concerned it was also the end-of-year period when most everything shuts down so I figured I'd try my best the second week of January. Well...
While visiting another prefecture I took an early morning excursion on the second last day of the year. which had my skip my now daily early BM. This wasn't totally novel as I'd do this whenever I had early work assignments and it'd usually come later in the day, or the next without issues. But not this time - the next morning I awoke with a decent urge, and on the toilet though I died, was dying, or was going to die (ultimately I'd learn this was an anal fissure, but not until an unnecessarily aggressive and excruciating exam). I managed to somehow execute my previous plan and sort of travel, and eventually was cured after two months of agony, often bedbound, by contracting a stomach bug in Laos that basically turned my stool to water and let the thing heal I guess.
The catch? My stool didn't really go back to normal. I'd often be awoken by a need to have a pretty forceful and mushy/water BM (unusual), and would often have a second after breakfast (like previously). It was either some kinda cowpie or "ragged chunks", as I called it - maybe some IBS homies will get this description. Beginning back in Japan, all of this compelled me to begin scouring the internet for info, advice, help, anything - and I came to learn of the pelvic floor. Now I've always been a laid-back guy, but have also always been a bit tense internally...and I suddenly noticed I really carried my tension in that area. I'd specifically also squeeze my butt in stressful situations (despite an intermittent amateur history of meditative practice). So my theory was that this cause the fissure and I ought to get some physio for it.
As things turned out I ended up back in North America unexpectedly after a minor tragedy, so figured now was the time to be seen (still with my 2 [or now sometimes 3] daily mush BMs). I saw a pelvic physio, gave my history and after a few sessions my fear waned enough to do the internal work. It was some weird feelings but she was able to get to the PF and assess both global and localized tension. We had a few session before I decided to fuck off to Europe to volunteer and visit a friend, diarrhea be damned - though by now I'd had some medical tests via walk-ins which ruled lingering infection. Still confused and unwell, but still able to live.
Well, after running out of money, a UTI & subsequent (worse than normal) antibiotic diarrhea, as well as a couple of non-butt issues, I decided to go back to NA again and try to figure things out properly. With the previous year being so out of whack I decided 2019 would be the year I "got healthy". I was at least able to connect to a GP and care team for the first time ever, but it was mostly preliminary slow moving stuff. I wanted to take care of my mind and avoid some of winter by visiting another friend in a warm climate and volunteering more, the end point of which I got another gut bug, the worst yet. By now it was spring so I decided to return to Canada permanently and try and get things solved.
Interestingly, not long after this bout of gastroenteritis resolved I found myself no longer being woken up by the need to shit daily. In fact, while still loose, my BMs would now typically only be once a day, after breakfast - regardless of when I had it. Did the new pathogens clear something out? Did having a scrap of life stability play a part? Either way things felt the most normal in years, though still not quite right. A few months later I moved west for work and by this point my stools were formed for the first time in years. Wow. But, of course...
I before long had to spend a night in the ER, and a few months after felt a shift in my gut microbiome. I would get really upset stomachs for apparently no reason, awful gas, and often have liquid dumps yet again. Also I felt a couple of stings on some days reminding me of fissure pain days, but nothing ever went fully there. At this point the regular course was usually a few days of this, then back to larger firmer stools, then a kind of okay interim period, before repeating the cycle. Unpleasant, but stable and manageable.
Until after a good chunk of time into the pandemic, during which I'd relocated to the central region of my origin. January 2021 - a far worse fissure. Much worse and longer lasting pain, though it took long enough to get the support and attention needed to deal and heal (polyethylene glycol, woot) and as such I spent the first month of two just suffering in limbo. I was in the habit this time of finishing my BMs in a warm tub as during this fissure, found there would always be a small amount left at the end that would just hang around unless the warm water relaxed the muscles. When I stopped doing this every time after a couple of months, I'd try to laugh or cough to kinda get the last bit out - which didn't feel like straining (and no clinician ever told me I really shouldn't do, though now I feel I likely shouldn't...). Around this time I wondered if there's something more serious at play, and via the medical network I'm connected to (yet living in a separate city from), schedule some investigative testing.
But the appointments keep getting cancelled and pushed back. To the point where I end up having to move to the city where these resources are because returning west after waiting for these things to happen seems like a waste of time and resources (lol should've moved west). Finally saw a colorectal surgeon (violated consent, no relevant insights), had another fissure then a flexible sigmoidoscopy (nice clinician but no relevant insights), saw a second CRS (much better; advised against surgery if at all possible given my complicated mix of symptoms). The last guy championed returning to pelvic physio which I'd been planning to do, but by the time I finally was seen and we did the internal work, it was nothing like 2.5 years prior; it was so twitchy, tight, and tender on the inside she couldn't get anywhere near the PF. Why? well...
After acquiring the habit of checking my bum by squatting over a hand mirror to apply meds during the fissure at the start of the year, I'd been noticing the hemorrhoid situation was way different than it'd been all through life. Not only was the lil' grape on my lower right side bigger than it used to be, there was now this kinda minor wall of padding on the entire left side. Granted none of this felt especially different, but it sure didn't look right...
*As a kind of TL;DR, all of this was basically what went on during the past year of 2022*:

• random combinations/alternations of diarrhea/normal/harder stools which have led to worsening hemorrhoids (as of this week to the point where they regularly bother me off-toilet, and during a BM no matter how "perfect" and feel like they physically block even a soft one), and rarely threaten or lead to fissures
  • also impossible to completely clean properly; even using a portable bidet, sitz tub, then dabbing with TP, there will still be some damn lingering stuff if I later dab or do a second soak;
• food journalling not leading to any particular conclusions about better or worse-tolerated food, with clinicians telling me it's not IBS-M but mirrors it - the lack of abdominal pain, or emergence only after BMs confounds the diagnosis
  • being told additionally that none of the procedures are a great bet given the dogpile of issues makes the likelihood of failure and complication even higher than normal, amounting to a "decline and suffer till you can't anymore" situation;
• pelvic physio that I can't super afford and has been relegated to a few home exercises since we can't to much inside;
• me feeling awful about things being where they are and fearing where they might, despite having tried to do my due diligence in lifestyle and management and all the other things

As of now my CRS just wants me to do psyllium for a while to see if that can at least normalize the stools. I was referred for anal manometry over a year ago and the appt. was finally at the end of the month, but my main CRS has said it isn't especially worthwhile in my case and may want to consider cancelling given - yet again - difficulty and possible complication. I ended up rescheduling it for next month as I just don't know what to do at this point at all. I probably left out some key info but the last several days I was basically waking up early in order to shit liquid despite the daily daytime psyllium...then yesterday and today suddenly I'm pretty constipated and can now feel a minor fissure. Yay.
Harkening back to my first couple of paragraphs I don't really know what will come of this, but this has been consuming me lately. Unlikely as it is, would really love to reach someone who made it through something close to what I've dealt with and is doing better. In any case I wish healing and better days to everyone out there 💖

Initial impressions:
- poor sequencing of delivery
- good packaging and high quality materials
- good install instructions
​
Main reflections after 4 months:
- not noticing appreciable change in quality of sleep (I say confidently because I've also been in hotels since then), and I'm tracking with other wearables
- the sleep data and "sleep score" as reported through the app feels not accurate. Better from Apple Watch.
- it "feels nice" to get into a warm bed ... but on reflection if that's the major plus for us, then there's probably a safer solution that doesn't have the potential for water leakage ...
- I noticed it was using 1GB of data per day. Mostly (90%) uploading sensor data to the cloud. This was happening evenly throughout the day so I imagine some pretty dumb compression/design (i.e., even when not in use ...) And, this is a huge amount of data ... wtf are they tracking so intensely/invasively ... ?
- ... When I asked customer service about this (it took a lot of back and forth), what I understood from their answer was that it needs this data ONLY for the Autopilot feature. i.e., the automatic adjustments through the evening, separate from your general sleep schedule ...
- ... I disabled autopilot on half of the bed, but the data usage remained unchanged
- ... Overall, this implementation makes me think that the technical (coding) design isn't very smart. Makes me think/worry about it also having higher risk of being hacked than other devices
- ... So, through my home network, I blocked it from the Internet ... this disabled Autopilot (which is fine - I didn't like it, I used only the scheduled on/off times) but otherwise no issues. Seemed to work OK
- ... except with the latest firmware about update a week ago, now the pod doesn't work AT ALL if it's disconnected from the Internet. So I have to reenable it.
- This is my major complaint: I feel that to get the most basic (core essence) of the product, they've moved to a "hardware as a service" model. Recurring payment model, costing both data (1 GB/day) and $$ to get the very essence of what you purchased in the first place
- Finally / unrelated: I don't like that the "alarm" feature doesn't auto shut off. I get out of bed when my phone alarm goes off. The bed is just a perk. I shouldn't need to open up the app to shut off the bed alarm. Just shut off automatically ...
​
Overall:

1. Feels expensive for what it is.
2. The hardware as a service model is offensive and egregiously because it's not marketed as such.
3. I'm not seeing a material impact on sleep results ... although maybe on the margin it's a positive because (see next two) ...
4. ... It's obviously a "luxury purchase" and "it feels nice" to get into a warm bed. I down downplay that: it's really nice. Especially if you're ill and need something cozy.
5. ... The cooling during the night probably does help somewhat although it's not showing up in my data.
6. ... but net: I probably would have been better served to pick the top 2-3 tips from Matt Walker (or equivalent), and just make those lifestyle adjustments.

I suppose one benefit is that since this is so software driven, there can be room for improvements ... right? right??
Good luck with your experiences, all!

Here’s my dilemma. I use HomeKit and was going to buy a new fan but all HomeKit fans I saw are 50 plus inches. Wife says that will be too big for bedroom. I’m looking for controllers to put in fan canopy but haven’t found any for HomeKit. I’m also looking for wall switches. The problem with that is that I don’t have a neutral wire and looks like they all need that.
Don’t want to deal with home assistant or the likes.
I do use Aqara so if I can find a work around with them it’s fine. My current thought is to just use a smart light switch to turn it off and on and use smart bulbs to control them separately. So we can turn it on when we walk in room for bed. And we get in bed ask Siri to turn off the lights. We have Phillips Hue bulbs , they remember their last state as power goes on and off so that may work as a workaround.
Any thoughts.

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Dust Jacket Summary
Peter Raves is not a Villain. But he is going to kill a Hero.
Peter carries in his veins the blood of one of the greatest superheroes who has ever lived—and yet his power is pitifully weak. To his family, and to the world, Peter is completely worthless.
After a lifetime of abuse at his father’s hands, Peter runs away from home. He ends up in Caledan, the seat of the Council of Heroes and the central focus of all Hero-Villain activity on Earth. Every day, Heroes and Villains vie against each other in spectacular battles that enrapture the masses. The most famous of all the Heroes in Caledan is Carmen Bauer, popularly known as The Shield. He is the youngest Hero to ever sit on the Council, one of the strongest superheroes alive today—and anomalous for inheriting Heroes’ power even though he is at the end of his bloodline.
Driven to prove his own strength, Peter will go to any length to defeat this mightiest of Heroes, but he has no idea what he is getting himself into. A war is coming, and Peter is about to be caught in the middle of it all. Somehow, he must balance his ambitions against his principles—and try not to lose himself along the way.
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Wraith: Of Villains - Chapter 15
15 Undozutre
The foyer to Naku’s home was a broad rotunda with fishbone-patterned flooring and plaster molding on the walls. Five different doors made of stained glass perforated the perimeter at even intervals, and a carpeted stairway curved up to a decorated landing ringing a chandelier.
“It’s been seven months since we met,” Naku commented as Peter entered. Closing the door behind Peter, Naku thumped heavily across the rotunda toward the door with a stained-glass image of a winged fleur-de-lis. “It took you long enough to find me.”
Following, Peter protested defensively, “I wasn’t looking for you.”
“And why not?” Naku retorted. “I saw the face you tried to hide. A smart man who wears a mask would kill the witnesses.” He passed a narrow-eyed glance over his shoulder. “Like you did with Trevor Kramer.”
Peter gritted his teeth. He still had occasional nightmares of watching Hero Electrum falling to his death. Not as many nowadays, but the memory still made him feel sick to his stomach. As they passed through the fleur-de-lis door and into a carpeted corridor, Peter said, “I… That was an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not a killer.” The carpeted hallway soaked up sound, making his statement sound pitiful in the silence.
Naku glanced over his shoulder at Peter. His tone had a bite to it as he commented, “Best keep that sort of vapid sentimentality to yourself, boy.”
Peter furrowed his brow. “I’m not a boy.”
“You look like one.”
“I’m not a child.”
Naku chuckled as they reached the end of the corridor and passed through a metallic door that slid open horizontally at their approach. “How old are you?” he asked, stepping through the doorway.
Peter paused outside the metal door. It opened onto an old-fashioned elevator car. “Nineteen,” he said carefully, all of his old instincts firing like bolts of electricity in the back of his mind.
Holding the elevator door open with one beefy hand, Naku looked Peter up and down in mocking disbelief. “You’re thirteen, if a day.”
“I’m nineteen,” Peter growled. “Where does this rickety old thing go?”
Naku grinned in amusement. “My training room. That’s why you came here, wasn’t it? To get training?”
“Yeah, I just… Elevators can break.”
Naku laughed. “Get on or get out.”
Gritting his teeth, Peter stepped into the elevator car.
“I’ve been excavating this cellar over the years,” Naku exposited as the creaking elevator car slowly bore him and Peter downward. “It’s bound to be as deep as the ridge by now.” Raising his eyebrow at Peter, Naku quipped, “It pays to invest in a hidden lair.” Peter doubted he would need one, but he nodded anyway.
The elevator descended three stories before opening to a hallway branching off in three different directions. As Naku started down the leftmost hallway, he eyed Peter skulking along beside him. “You were on Vaise’s freighter,” the giant bluntly stated.
“So were you,” Peter retorted noncommittally.
Undeterred by the standoffish reply, Naku clarified his point, “Why were you on Vaise’s freighter?”
Peter gritted his teeth. “Let’s just say I have my reasons.”
Naku chuckled as their footsteps echoed in the silent corridor. “One of the things I’m going to teach you is how to pick your battles, kid. And let me make it clear to you—this is not a battle worth picking. If you wish to learn what I can teach you, there needs to be a level of trust and openness.”
Peter chewed the inside of his lip. He was here to learn, not to make friends. But if a touch of transparency was the payment, he supposed he could compromise.
“I was there for the same reason you were. To get aether dust.”
Naku fixed his one-eyed leer on Peter, the smirk wrinkling his damaged eye. “I was there to pad my wallet, boy. All you had with you was a small thermos to carry aether dust. Even a small amount of dust can get you rich, but there is literally no reason not to go for the bigger haul. So what the hell do you want aether dust for?”
Peter gritted his teeth, unwilling to answer. With reluctance, Peter said, “I need aether dust to… to make… a gun.”
“There are plenty of guns on the black market. Besides, most Heroes have bodyshields against guns. Plenty have enough power to survive a bullet, anyway.”
Carmen most of all, Peter agreed, his resolve hardening. “That’s why I need to make one. So that their power isn’t a problem.”
“What, gamguns!?” At that, Naku suddenly burst into harsh laughter, scalding Peter with his derision. “Gamguns are a science fiction theory, kid. They don’t exist. You can’t make a gun that just strips a Hero of its power. Trust me, plenty of Villains have tried.”
Glaring at Naku sourly, Peter muttered, “I’m not a Villain.”
Naku’s smirk merely deepened as he turned to push open a blue door. When Peter stepped through, his eyes widened in awe at what he saw. The door opened into a room as large as a baseball diamond. Stacked against the walls were all manner of strength training equipment, weapons stands, work tables, and computer terminals. On the far side of the large room was a shooting lane, the target wall peppered with pock marks and soot from various weapons. There was even a rack full of myriad tools that Peter recognized from his mechanic schooling, with a wearable robot arm currently perched in one of the vises. In this single room, Naku had the means for crafting and practicing with every sort of weapon and biomechanical aid imaginable.
For the first time, Peter started to feel excited for the things he might be able to learn here.
~
Carmen bolted upright at the sound of furious knocking. Through his bedroom door, down the long hall, and past the dining room and foyer, he heard Celeste’s muffled voice shouting, “_Come on, Carmen, open up!_”
Flinging the sweaty covers away from himself, Carmen launched himself out of bed and snatched up the nearest pair of pants. “You girls have to go,” he hissed, his foot getting stuck halfway through the pant leg. He tossed it aside when he realized he was trying to don Melody’s leather leggings. “_Right now!_”
“Is that bitch still hunting us?” Hope asked, pushing away the duvet that Carmen had thrown over her and sitting up. Her hedgehog spikes had crumpled somewhat from the pillow. “I thought you threw her off our trail.”
“I’ve been trying,” Carmen rasped, tripping over one of his shoes in his haste to reach the next nearest pair of pants. He fell over with a loud thud.
The bathroom door opened, releasing a cloud of steam, and Melody stepped out, her hair wrapped up in a towel and water dripping off her breasts. “What’s all the commotion?”
Sitting up next to Hope, Reverie pushed her singular blue lock of hair behind her ear and drawled, “Carmen’s bird buddy is here.”
“You three need to leave!” Carmen snapped, shimmying into his pants.
“We could just kill her, too, if you want,” Melody smirked, retrieving her leather leggings from across the room. “I’d invite her to join us, but she’s too focused on her work to take even ten minutes off to relax.”
“I bet she’d be game once she sees Carmen without his trousers,” Reverie grinned.
“I’m just tired of her interrupting our fun,” Hope added, crawling out of bed to dress. “Please can we kill her?”
“No!” Carmen protested, buttoning a wrinkled shirt. “I need you girls to stay under the radar. You’re useless to me otherwise.”
“Hurtful. I like it,” Reverie snickered lasciviously.
“Don’t think so highly of yourselves,” Carmen snorted dismissively. “From the beginning, I only kept you around for one purpose.”
“Yeah, to kill,” Hope put in helpfully. “Whenever it served you. If your birdy bitch finds out about us, how is that helpful?”
“She doesn’t know,” Carmen muttered, “so you need to lay low. Things are just delicate at present, especially after what you did to Theo. If you kill any more Heroes right now, the Council will label you all Villains.”
“Ugh, that would be a drag,” Melody groaned as she pulled the towel out of her hair. Without her hair done up in the ridiculous mohawk, it looked thin and lanky.
“Just sneak out the window while I go distract her,” Carmen commanded, and with that, he rushed out into the hall.
Celeste looked fit to murder by the time he cracked open the front door. Without awaiting a greeting, she shoved her way inside.
“Celeste, why are you here?” Carmen asked, sidling in between her and the back hallway to redirect her pacing. “I—”
“You know everyone in the Council,” she interrupted, finally stopping to face him. “Who is our handler for local Villains outside of Caledan?”
Carmen frowned in confusion. “Why are… We’ve never been assigned anything outside of Caledan. Why are you looking for Villains—?”
“Retired Villains,” Celeste corrected. “Retired supervillains. They would have the time to train a mentee, and—”
“You mean Wraith?” Carmen sighed. “Celeste, we really should focus on—”
Celeste suddenly spun to look down the back hallway. “What was that?”
Carmen froze and strained his hearing. He probably should have oiled the window.
Celeste looked at his hastily and crookedly buttoned shirt and raised an eyebrow. “Do you have company?”
Carmen could not help but blush heavily beneath her scrutiny.
To his surprise, and indeed his embarrassment, Celeste actually smirked. “And she’s sneaking out the back? You do know where I come from, right?”
“We’re a bit more… private about… that sorta stuff here on Earth,” Carmen floundered, his face burning.
“I really don’t care,” Celeste shrugged. “Listen, I really think a retired Villain is the most likely mentor for Wraith. Naku’s the only one in Caledan, and I already confirmed that he doesn’t have a mentee—”
“You went to see Naku!?” Carmen repeated incredulously. “Alone!? Celeste, are you insane!?”
“I had to do something!” Celeste argued. “Clive was a dead end, and I still can’t find out where those Snap girls are—”
“Those girls aren’t Villains,” Carmen interrupted. “They’re within civilian jurisdiction, not ours! Just leave it alone, Celeste!”
She paused, her mouth hanging on whatever word he had cut off. After a moment, she sealed her lips, her expression closed.
I messed up, Carmen realized, frantically trying to figure out how to salvage this. Celeste’s appearance so early in the morning, while the Snap triplets were right there in the other room, had thrown him off. Relax, he commanded himself, watching Celeste take a step back and slowly resume her quiet pacing. Remember we’re still on the same side.
Softening his voice, Carmen amended, “I’m not saying to give up. Just… Let me help. Please. We only need Council approval to partner up when we’re going against a registered Villain. Wraith isn’t, and neither are the Snap girls, so let’s take advantage of that. Show the world that we’re more effective when we work together—and maybe get rid of that law requiring approval in the first place. Remember why we’re here, Celeste. To fix the Council. To fix the laws.”
Celeste finally stopped pacing and turned to face him again. “So help me. Tell me who our handler is so I can find retired Villains outside of Caledan.”
Carmen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not saying no,” he prefaced, “but Celeste, can’t you hear yourself? All we have on the guy is a glove with no DNA. You… might be right that he has a rich sponsor, but now you’re chasing down retired supervillains. These guys are called supervillains for a reason. They’re far more capable than run-of-the-mill Villains. They can hold their own against Heroes, even if they don’t have power like us. And they’re retired, not conquered, and certainly not reformed. You have to be careful about this. It would not be beneficial to rile them up by questioning all of them. Are you certain this isn’t just rushing down a rabbit hole?”
The guarded look in Celeste's eye turned inward. “I know,” she muttered. It was the first time Carmen had heard her sound even vaguely uncertain of herself. “I just don’t want to have to wait for Wraith to strike again. There’s no guarantee he’ll leave behind evidence anyway. The glove was a fluke, and it barely gave us anything.”
Carmen nodded, his brow creasing in sympathy. “Let’s take a step back, then. Review his past targets. Maybe it’ll give us a clue about where he’ll strike next. Have we run a Hapsin simulation yet?”
“Not even enough info to pick a Merrigold-Chek’ta parameter,” Celeste countered.
“Well, we’re superheroes,” Carmen grinned. “We’ve got instinct. Let’s use that.”
Celeste gave him a long look before releasing a quiet sigh. “Alright,” she finally agreed. “But if we don’t get any leads, I’m going to keep questioning the retired supervillains.”
Carmen smiled in secret relief. He thought he had successfully kept her off of the Snap triplets’ trail for now. And hopefully the girls had enough time to get far enough away.
~
Celeste left Carmen to rebutton his shirt and flew to the nearest high rooftop to overlook the gleaming city of Caledan. Since the day she had met Carmen almost six years ago, she had thought she could trust him.
So how long had he been misleading her? And why?
~
Just as Peter stepped into Naku’s underground training room, he heard a loud, productive cough coming from the right, and he spun in alarm. Sitting against a table was a sickly man with long, stringy hair combed back from his forehead. A crooked-toothed smile twisted his narrow face askew, and his silver eyes looked wild and giddy against his pasty complexion. Narrowing his eyes, Peter could not help but think the man looked familiar.
It was not until the man stood and shuffled forward, reaching up a hand to scratch at his scalp, that Peter realized why he recognized the stranger. Replace the pressed shirt and pants with tattered rags, and it was obvious who the man was. That night the psychotic Snap triplets had attacked the tram where Peter and Delia had run into Tony, the vagabond had been on the train, too. At the time, Peter had been wary of the unkempt man, even though it had been the three teenagers who had ended up being the dangerous ones. Peter had fought the Snap girls to protect Delia, but it was Celeste who ended up stopping them. She had crashed into the tram, ripping it in half so violently that it had flung several civilians into open air, himself included, before Celeste managed to bear them all to safety. Peter vividly recalled the image of the sickly vagabond reaching out a hand in an attempt to catch Peter as he fell.
Scratching idly at the back of his scalp, the sickly man mused, “Ah, so he finally arrived.”
Letting the door swing shut behind him, Naku stepped past Peter to join the snuffling little man. The vagabond looked minuscule beside the giant. Turning back to Peter, Naku stated, “Allow me to introduce you to my colleague, Vibes.”
Peter frowned. Vibes? He had heard that name before… Eyes widening in realization, he stated, “You’re the Villain who trained Kason.”
Pure delight filled the man’s crazy eyes. “You’ve heard of me! All the way out here!” Elbowing Naku in the side, he piqued, “I told you I could be inspiring!”
Crossing his beefy arms, Naku cast an irked look towards the twitchy little man and snorted, “The kid says he’s not a Villain.”
If possible, Vibes’ crazy smile stretched even wider. Yet despite the clear insanity, for the first time, Peter thought he saw a sinister gleam in those silver eyes. “You’re not a Villain?” he repeated, directing the statement at Peter. His voice was thin and wiry, simultaneously light-hearted and threatening.
With both men grinning at him as if he was a foolish child, Peter’s anger began to boil within him. “No, I’m not,” he snapped. “And I never will be.”
“You sound so sure,” Vibes piped. “Given that you came to a Villain for help.”
“I want to learn, and apparently you want to teach,” Peter retorted. “I can’t go to a Hero for training, so I’ll settle for a Villain.”
Vibes rolled his eyes and puffed out his cheeks. “Heroes, Villains… You make it sound like the difference actually matters.”
“It does,” Peter snapped hotly. “I am not a Villain.”
“Tell me, boy,” Naku suddenly barked. “What is the difference between a Hero and a Villain?”
Peter scoffed. What kind of question was that? “For one,” he retorted, “Heroes have power. For another, Villains are the bad guys—”
“Wrong,” Naku interrupted, and Vibes began snickering. “It has nothing to do with ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys.’ You see, like Heroes, Villains are trying to fix things. We’re just doing it in a different way, forced to do so because of the corrupted system.”
Peter shook his head, frowning. “But Vibes was training Kason to be a Villain. I know for a fact he had no interest in ‘fixing’ anything.”
“Kason would never have been a Villain,” Naku said with a slight hint of disgust. “He was not an… idealist.”
“Kason was just a way to get your attention,” Vibes interrupted. He smiled thinly. “It worked, didn’t it? You knew him as he was before—and you saw what he had become. You saw the benefit to having a mentor. A Villain, no less.”
A chill settled at the base of Peter’s skull, slowly creeping down his spine. It was all… planned…? “How could you possibly know that would work?” he asked quietly.
Vibes just grinned. “I got a feeling.”
Glancing between the two Villains, Peter had to restrain himself from taking a wary step back. “So… why?”
Naku held his gaze steadily as he answered, “We have our reasons.”
The non-answer sounded significantly more threatening now than it had at Naku’s front door. Peter studied the two men with increasing suspicion, embittered by their recalcitrance. What did two Villains want with him? Why him? Were they planning on using him as a pawn, just as they had Kason?
You need training, he reminded himself. He had failed and failed and failed, and he needed a win. He needed what the Villains could teach him. He needed this.
Whatever the Villains wanted him for did not matter. His only goal was to kill Carmen. Then he would get the hell out of Caledan. But for now… for the sake of getting what he needed from them… he supposed he could play along.
♤
(C) RLK 2022
[Next]()

Hey reddit folks I have a lamp that I want to make smart the systeem is 2.5a 220v plug to a mb10f chip and than a on and of switch and than the light but because I wanted to make it smart I thought do a smart plug on it and leave the on and off switch on turned on and then turn the smart plug on and off that worked soort of and soort of doesn't He went on and off but in the off version it was like a very weak light thats on problem its a light next to my bed so i want it to be fully off now i have it wired op like this smart plug to 2.5a 220v plug straight to light and that turns on and off like i want on is on and off is fully off but when its on it flickers so i dont like that and i dont think having 2.5a 220v plug straight to led is any good can someone help me maybe this are the specs that i know how it was in the original state
Aantal LED-lampen: 48
Vermogen: 3.6W
Ingangsspanning: 220 V / 60 Hz, 0,2 A
Uitgangsspanning: 30V / 0,12A
And the item is this https://www.amazon.nl/gp/aw/d/B07YX4Y7WF?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image
Smart plug that i use is this one https://www.bol.com/nl/nl/p/smart-power-plug-slimme-stekker-incl-tijdschakelaar-ondersteunde-spraakbediening-door-o-a-alexa-en-google-assistent/9300000037692221/?Referrer=ADVNLGOO002063&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2v-gBhC1ARIsAOQdKY03RYbBdZD1bRGmz1GGY_GfkOwxcTxrNpmdbvjX7A734fn9nF9uYEYaAtzuEALw_wcB

Hey reddit folks I have a lamp that I want to make smart the systeem is 2.5a 220v plug to a mb10f chip and than a on and of switch and than the light but because I wanted to make it smart I thought do a smart plug on it and leave the on and off switch on turned on and then turn the smart plug on and off that worked soort of and soort of doesn't He went on and off but in the off version it was like a very weak light thats on problem its a light next to my bed so i want it to be fully off now i have it wired op like this smart plug to 2.5a 220v plug straight to light and that turns on and off like i want on is on and off is fully off but when its on it flickers so i dont like that and i dont think having 2.5a 220v plug straight to led is any good can someone help me maybe this are the specs that i know how it was in the original state
Aantal LED-lampen: 48
Vermogen: 3.6W
Ingangsspanning: 220 V / 60 Hz, 0,2 A
Uitgangsspanning: 30V / 0,12A
And the item is this https://www.amazon.nl/gp/aw/d/B07YX4Y7WF?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image
Smart plug that i use is this one https://www.bol.com/nl/nl/p/smart-power-plug-slimme-stekker-incl-tijdschakelaar-ondersteunde-spraakbediening-door-o-a-alexa-en-google-assistent/9300000037692221/?Referrer=ADVNLGOO002063&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2v-gBhC1ARIsAOQdKY03RYbBdZD1bRGmz1GGY_GfkOwxcTxrNpmdbvjX7A734fn9nF9uYEYaAtzuEALw_wcB

Hey reddit folks I have a lamp that I want to make smart the systeem is 2.5a 220v plug to a mb10f chip and than a on and of switch and than the light but because I wanted to make it smart I thought do a smart plug on it and leave the on and off switch on turned on and then turn the smart plug on and off that worked soort of and soort of doesn't He went on and off but in the off version it was like a very weak light thats on problem its a light next to my bed so i want it to be fully off now i have it wired op like this smart plug to 2.5a 220v plug straight to light and that turns on and off like i want on is on and off is fully off but when its on it flickers so i dont like that and i dont think having 2.5a 220v plug straight to led is any good can someone help me maybe this are the specs that i know how it was in the original state
Aantal LED-lampen: 48
Vermogen: 3.6W
Ingangsspanning: 220 V / 60 Hz, 0,2 A
Uitgangsspanning: 30V / 0,12A
And the item is this https://www.amazon.nl/gp/aw/d/B07YX4Y7WF?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image
Smart plug that i use is this one https://www.bol.com/nl/nl/p/smart-power-plug-slimme-stekker-incl-tijdschakelaar-ondersteunde-spraakbediening-door-o-a-alexa-en-google-assistent/9300000037692221/?Referrer=ADVNLGOO002063&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2v-gBhC1ARIsAOQdKY03RYbBdZD1bRGmz1GGY_GfkOwxcTxrNpmdbvjX7A734fn9nF9uYEYaAtzuEALw_wcB

Here’s my dilemma. I use HomeKit and was going to buy a new fan but all HomeKit fans I saw are 50 plus inches. Wife says that will be too big for bedroom. I’m looking for controllers to put in fan canopy but haven’t found any for HomeKit. I’m also looking for wall switches. The problem with that is that I don’t have a neutral wire and looks like they all need that.
Don’t want to deal with home assistant or the likes.
I do use Aqara so if I can find a work around with them it’s fine. My current thought is to just use a smart light switch to turn it off and on and use smart bulbs to control them separately. So we can turn it on when we walk in room for bed. And we get in bed ask Siri to turn off the lights. We have Phillips Hue bulbs , they remember their last state as power goes on and off so that may work as a workaround.
Any thoughts.

Hey reddit folks I have a lamp that I want to make smart the systeem is 2.5a 220v plug to a mb10f chip and than a on and of switch and than the light but because I wanted to make it smart I thought do a smart plug on it and leave the on and off switch on turned on and then turn the smart plug on and off that worked soort of and soort of doesn't He went on and off but in the off version it was like a very weak light thats on problem its a light next to my bed so i want it to be fully off now i have it wired op like this smart plug to 2.5a 220v plug straight to light and that turns on and off like i want on is on and off is fully off but when its on it flickers so i dont like that and i dont think having 2.5a 220v plug straight to led is any good can someone help me maybe this are the specs that i know how it was in the original state
Aantal LED-lampen: 48
Vermogen: 3.6W
Ingangsspanning: 220 V / 60 Hz, 0,2 A
Uitgangsspanning: 30V / 0,12A
And the item is this https://www.amazon.nl/gp/aw/d/B07YX4Y7WF?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image
Smart plug that i use is this one https://www.bol.com/nl/nl/p/smart-power-plug-slimme-stekker-incl-tijdschakelaar-ondersteunde-spraakbediening-door-o-a-alexa-en-google-assistent/9300000037692221/?Referrer=ADVNLGOO002063&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2v-gBhC1ARIsAOQdKY03RYbBdZD1bRGmz1GGY_GfkOwxcTxrNpmdbvjX7A734fn9nF9uYEYaAtzuEALw_wcB

Hey reddit folks I have a lamp that I want to make smart the systeem is 2.5a 220v plug to a mb10f chip and than a on and of switch and than the light but because I wanted to make it smart I thought do a smart plug on it and leave the on and off switch on turned on and then turn the smart plug on and off that worked soort of and soort of doesn't He went on and off but in the off version it was like a very weak light thats on problem its a light next to my bed so i want it to be fully off now i have it wired op like this smart plug to 2.5a 220v plug straight to light and that turns on and off like i want on is on and off is fully off but when its on it flickers so i dont like that and i dont think having 2.5a 220v plug straight to led is any good can someone help me maybe this are the specs that i know how it was in the original state
Aantal LED-lampen: 48
Vermogen: 3.6W
Ingangsspanning: 220 V / 60 Hz, 0,2 A
Uitgangsspanning: 30V / 0,12A
And the item is this https://www.amazon.nl/gp/aw/d/B07YX4Y7WF?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image
Smart plug that i use is this one https://www.bol.com/nl/nl/p/smart-power-plug-slimme-stekker-incl-tijdschakelaar-ondersteunde-spraakbediening-door-o-a-alexa-en-google-assistent/9300000037692221/?Referrer=ADVNLGOO002063&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2v-gBhC1ARIsAOQdKY03RYbBdZD1bRGmz1GGY_GfkOwxcTxrNpmdbvjX7A734fn9nF9uYEYaAtzuEALw_wcB

Met 9 years ago. Told them I was asexual from the beginning and that I had no interest in sex. So they were aware of this since day 1. They claim they don't need sex yet constantly initiate physical contact and make sexual comments on a near daily basis.
Sex is physically and emotionally painful. I have difficulty saying no when constantly pressured and this creates feelings that I am not a real woman if I don't let my partner have sex with me. Ie, I emotionally feel like I am inadequate woman because I only experience negative things when engaging in sexual contact and have no desire for sex.
My partner seems to think I have enjoyed sex with them despite me telling them many times I just pretend and say/do what they want. I have found that just ends the sex act quicker. I have told them so many times over 9 years that I have never enjoyed sex. When I engage in sexual contact, I just meditate and go somewhere else so I don't feel it. I say whatever lines I link males in my partners demographic like to hear like I'm an actor until the sex act stops. Ie, I depersonalize and just say or do whatever to get my partner to orgasm as quickly as possible to make it end as quickly as possible. My partner seems to think this means I enjoy or like sex even though I have been very blunt with my partner that I am asexual, derive no pleasure from sex, and only experience physical and emotional pain from sex.
I have tried to talk to professionals. The last gyno I tried to see was weird. I tried telling them I don't enjoy sex and the gyno started pushing things like physical therapy where a stranger pushes object up my vagina. I asked them if there was any actual physical or medical need to have sex and he said "no." I immediately put my clothes on and left. I still get phone calls every 3 months about "physical therapy" because the gyno chose to refer me to the physical therapist despite the fact I told them I was not interested. I told them to stop calling but they don't.
The male and female psychologists I have tried to talk to have the same mentality. They constantly push for me to enjoy and embrace sex and frame my asexuality as a problem to be fixed by changing my view of sex.
No matter who I talk to about asexuality, they insist I am automatically wrong for my view of sex. Even though they can't explain the purpose of having sex if you don't want kids beyond experiencing a short orgasm. I don't judge what other people do. But if I bring up my asexuality, I am always put on the defensive.
My partner is smart enough to know what asexuality is. Yet they keep thinking there will be a day I want their penis inside my body. When they brought up getting a vasectomy, I realized they will never stop pushing sexual boundries. I think experiencing the emotional and physical pain I have for 9 years so they could enjoy a 6 second rush of hormones is enough. Especially when my partner refuses to accept that is what I have suffered everytime we have done something sexual. They keep framing these encounters as them expressing love to me. Yet how can it be love when they know that act hurts me physically and emotionally?
I assume my partner frames our sexual relationship as an expression of love because they don't want to feel like they were forcing me to have sex. But they are the only one who initiates sex. They know its painful for me. And they continue to do it again and again, claiming sex is a "necessity" to realize tension and stress.
They get angry when I bring up my asexuality and get defensive. They will never accept that they pushed for something I didn't want and I only consented because of their pressure. I can't understand how my partner would think reciting porn star lines in bed would be remotely genuine. But they internet these cheesy and recycled lines as a genuine expression of pleasure despite me telling them I just do and say things to end sex as quickly as possible.
When they said they wanted a vasectomy so they could have unprotected sex, it was the most hurtful and infuriating thing theyve ever said. It was like they didn't consider I have already compromised every sexual boundary. They assumed I would be okay with them having unprotected sex with me if the risk of pregnancy was reduced...which isn't true. I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him even if there was 0% chance of pregnancy. All I have done is compromise for 9 years so he could have his precious 6 second orgasms. And now he made it clear 9 years of those sacrifices are still not enough! And if I consent to this, what will he demand next? He isn't satisfied that I allowed him to use my body for a stress relief ritual. So why should I compromise at all?
I feel like a piece of shit for ever compromising and agreeing to have sexual relations with him. Because I am realizing now no amount of compromise will satisfy his hypersexual nature. I have told him he can sleep with other people. In fact, I have outright encouraged it. Because our relationship would be very close to perfect if there was no sexual contact. But he won't just masturbate or sleep with someone else. So he is not compromising at all. And he is offended and angry anytime I bring up my asexuality.
He left our place the other day when I brought this up and said he's never talking about sex again. So he simply won't have the discussion. I think it might be because if he knew this entire time I didn't want sex, then he crossed the line for 9 years by pushing it relentlessly.
Gynos and psychologists are useless because they keep insisting I need to have sex or that sex is a necessity despite being unable to explain why. They keep repeating cliche lines about sex being an intregal part of a relationship. Instead of providing support for my asexuality, gynos and psychologists instead try to convince me there's things I can do to make sex pleasurable despite the fact I explicitly state to them I have no interest in engaging in sex. I doubt it will ever be something I enjoy. But even if I was assured it'd be 0% pain and 100% pleasure, I simply have no interest in it. I don't want a child. So there's simply no need.
I am increasingly resentful of my partner and I no longer see a future. I feel alienated by the medical and mental health system that is supportive of other sexual identities but not asexuality. I feel like I am a terrible person that will let others use their body if it eliminates conflict or makes someone else happy for 6 seconds. I have no respect for myself because I never should've consented to any sex act with my partner and now I feel like the relationship was going to end the moment I put my foot down about sex. This makes me completely hopeless about finding another partner who respects asexuality. Dating sites are a disaster because I just get a bunch of lewd messages and men who are fixated on my body. Ie, they only respond because of how I look and their desire to have sex with me.
I feel like I don't respect myself or love myself for what I allowed my body to be used for by my partner. I don't view this as rape or forced. But I never would've consented without pressure.

The first rays of sunlight splashed on my face waking me up for the day. But I didn’t want to get out of bed. The alarm finally sounded and I quickly turned it off. “Just five more minutes,” I muttered.
“Mark, wake up, it's time for breakfast. Mark? Mark get your butt down here before I come up myself.”
I got up so fast I almost fell flat on my face. “Mom, I’ll be there in 20 minutes,” I yelled, panicking. “I need to brush my teeth and take a shower.”
“Hurry up then,” she responded.
Thank god. She can be really scary when she’s angry.
I turned to face the dashboard in front of me.
“Assistant, turn on the lights and tell me the weather,” I ordered. Unfortunately, I had no response. Oh right, that broke yesterday. Now I have to pay to fix it. I should hurry up and shower. So I headed for my own bathroom. After brushing my teeth I stripped and threw my clothes in the laundry bin. I have to buy more detergent for the washing machine. Why do I have to pay for so many things today?
Cold water caught me off guard in the shower. Unfortunately, I forgot we haven’t paid for this month’s hot water. So I was in a rush to wash up because I hate bathing in cold water. I toweled off and opened my drawer. I grabbed a fresh pair of boxers, a t-shirt and I wore my school uniform on top. It was a black blazer with blue highlights and black plants with black shoes. It had the initials FT for Future Tech, the school I’m enrolled at. However, there was a gold pin that only I had the right to wear with a V imprinted on it for Victor. It was proof that I was number one in my school. It was also like a homing signal for bullies.
After turning on the lights I could see my room clearly now. My hoverboard was strapped to the corner of the wall. My bed was in a mess with sheets and pillows spread all over. My virtual reality set along with my computer was arranged together at my left. With my hoverboard and backpack I walked out the door.
Delicious aromas from my mother’s cooking attacked me when I walked into the kitchen. I smelled eggs, bacon, and pancakes. A big pitcher of orange juice was also on the table along with several clean plates for eating.
“Hello, Mom,” I said. “What’s the occasion? This is a nice spread.”
My mother turned around and sort of smiled. She wore a green shirt with blue sweatpants that had food stains all over. My mom was beautiful. She was caucasian with brighter skin than mine with blue eyes and blond hair. My dad was African American so my skin was a bit darker. However, I inherited her eyes that were brighter than any diamond and her beautiful blond hair. She was 45 but looked 30 and I was lucky to have her.
“So, now you want to get out of bed. I just got paid so I wanted to whip up something special. Eat up because I predict it’ll be a while before you can eat like this again. I’m almost done here, go and eat with your father.”
I gave her a hug and walked to our dining table and sat right next to my father. He’s six feet tall, with strong arms and had a big beard he was super proud of. He was almost 47 but still looked 30 just like my mother. He had a suit and tie on for work and had a plate of pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I did the same and my plate was filled with a heap of delectable delicacies.
“Hey, son, how are you doing?” my dad asked in his deep voice.
“ I’m doing fine,” I said in a garbled voice because I was stuffing my mouth with pancakes.
“So, how’s work,” I asked.
“It’s been fine. I'm receiving a pay raise this week,” he said.
“Really?” I almost jumped out of my seat. “That’s great. Recently, some things haven’t been working. I ran out of detergent, my Assistant isn’t working and the hot water stopped running. But don’t worry I’ll pay for all of that stuff by myself. And if there’s anything you need help with-”
“Mark!” my mom cried out.
Oh crap.
“You’re only 16 and you’ve been taking those illegal jobs. What if the government finds you and arrests you. They could imprison you and us or worse. And what about your friend Thomas. Does his mom know about it? Should I contact her?”
“Mom! We need the money and so does Thomas. It's risky but we’re smart enough to not get caught. “
“Mark,” my father said.
“We know that it's difficult for folks like us to make sufficient money to live in District 3. But we moved here despite the difficulties to offer you a better education and better environment.”
“I know!” I yelled.
“But I bet 250 years ago it wasn’t this hard to just live as a normal citizen!”
“They say that the descendants of the Enhanced still live,” my father countered. “They still live in our society planning the destruction of the rest of the world. The people are scared. The government is paranoid. If they discover someone with powers they’ll be hunted down. If they discover if you are associated with one without reporting you could be executed. And if you’re caught in unauthorized territory they’ll execute you.”
“Is that what you want?” my mom demanded.”For both our family and Thomas’ to die! I can’t lose anybody else.”
It kills me to see my mother cry. It also killed me to have to lie to my family. They do so much so I can go to one of the best schools in the country so I can get a good education and a high class job. And live a cushy and luxurious life but I know just how much debt they have even if they don’t know I do. And Thomas’ family is doing even worse than us.
“I’ll stop then and I’ll go to school. Today is our mandatory physical check-up. I’ll meet up with Thomas but don’t worry we won’t do anything illegal.”
My parents both looked at me with total distrust in my eyes.
My mom finally caved in. “Fine, make sure you’re prepared and take the train to school. Make sure you’re careful and follow all instructions!”
“Don’t worry mom,” I grumbled. “It's not like any of us have superpowers anyway.”
I finished my food, grabbed everything I needed and rushed out the door.
Living here is expensive but it sure is amazing if you can succeed.
Even if the world was almost destroyed 250 years ago we sure were able to come a long way in that time. It was great enough that me and Thomas’ parents would try so hard to be able to live here.
At first glance it was beautiful like a dream. Sector 3 was one of the best Districts except 1 and 2.
It buzzed with life with people on their way to work and wherever they needed to go. Cars hovered over the ground at speeds of 20 to 30 miles per hour.They made a sort of buzzing noise that was music to my ears. The smells of food cooking in fancy restaurants attacked my nostrils hoping to draw my attention and buy their food. Good thing I had a hearty breakfast because I don’t think I could afford any of them right now. Teenagers like me hung out with their hoverboards doing all types of tricks that could easily backfire in a nearby park. They had neon colored hair, mohawks along with other choices in fashion that my school and I just don’t agree with. Other businesses such as hospitals, hair salons, movie theaters also seemed to attract crowds like a magnet. I even passed by the hospital my mom worked at. It was a huge dark skyscraper with a spacious parking lot with its name Healing Haven Hospital in bright colored letters at the top.
Sector 3 was a great place to live if you could afford it. Although If you looked hard enough you noticed the people that failed to make ends meet. In the slums people slept in man made houses of trash and boxes. Others smoked and did drugs which was kind of illegal. Either they weren’t caught or the soldiers didn’t care enough to check. Children wearing dirty rags who were so skinny you could count their ribs rummaged through trash and fought over any spoils. It wasn’t fair that this greedy government would place laws and taxes that would force them to suffer this horrible fate. I need money whether or not it's legal as long as it can keep my family fed and happy.
15 minutes after I left the house I finally reached the train station. I got off my hoverboard and got in line and thankfully it wasn’t that long. When I reached the doors, I almost had a heart attack. Guarding the door where two sentinels armed to the teeth carrying large guns and dressed in their signature white bulletproof armor.
“Pay up please,” the one on the right said as he stretched out his hand. He held a device that would collect the money you need to take to ride the train.
“Okay,” I agreed with a nervous voice.
I took out my own phone and paid. I was able to get a seat on the train I was keeping all to myself with no troubles.
After we started moving I finally was able to let myself relax. I thought I was this close to being arrested before I could do anything illegal today.
Sentinels are usually stationed in places such as banks and homes of important people like governors. But this is the first time I’ve seen them deployed at a train station. I remember when I wanted to be one when I was a kid and go to District 2 to make lots of money but my parents made me give up that dream. District 2 specializes in military and security. That was where soldiers trained and lived. Higher Ups also had access to a luxurious life in a fancy mansion and more money than what they actually needed. This is where the hovercrafts that soared the sky providing surveillance were built and maintained. Where Epizon’s forces that would protect our country from its threats could prepare for any possibility. Prepare for what I always ask. Most of the world has been destroyed. Africa has never shown any hostility to us. No, they’re just here to enforce this tyrannical government and eliminate any that may possess abilities.
I grabbed my headphones from my backpack and played my favorite songs. At least I can enjoy the view.
It was like I was flying as the train soared through the sky on a railway that snaked throughout the city. Never actually touching since the train was connected through powerful electromagnets saving both energy and money. The city looked even more impressive when you had a bird’s eye view.
Couples and families enjoyed picnics on tables at the Liberty State Park. People walked in and out of the Interpretive Center where history from about 300 years was taught. It still had memorials dedicated to remembering events like what happened centuries ago at 9/11. Now there’s a huge memorial dedicated to those who fought to save us from the Enhanced. It's still so hard to believe that people with super powers exist. I’ve learned about them in history class but they seem so unreal. I’ve never seen somebody shoot fire or fly so either the military is really good at their job or this is all made up.
District 3 of the great utopia Epizon. Named after the Greek word for survivor. When the continents Australia, Europe, South America, and Asia were destroyed in World War Three. By the Enhanced who gained powers that almost destroyed the world. Thankfully, the remnants of North America were able to stand up and defeat all the Enhanced people and create the amazing paradise we live in.
It sounds so unreal it has to be propaganda to control the Sectors.
We flew over the Hudson River Walkway. It was my favorite view on the train ride because I loved the way sunlight would reflect off the pristine turquoise waters. It's a shame we don’t really get to swim or fish though. That’s probably for the best.
The rest of the train ride went fast and before I knew it I was at my stop. I grabbed my hoverboard and raced to school because the Victor can’t be late.
While this District has its downsides it could really get a lot worse from here. However, District 1 was the real paradise. It was where the most important people with the most standing lived. The President, his wife, and other high ranking government officials lived there. In enormous mansions separated by acres where all the other people who enforced laws and taxes that made it difficult for my parents to live and provide for us.
But District 3 was the best place where people who are more fortunate like me could live. As long as you were skilled enough and worked hard enough. My mom was a somewhat prominent doctor at one of the biggest hospitals in this District. District 3 specializes in a lot of fields but the one it specializes in is medical science. Medicine, prosthetics, you can get the best of them from here. And my dad was vice president at a company that released some of the best virtual reality games. Entertainment is just as important as health in Epizon. Which meant I sometimes received popular games before everyone else. I remember so many times my parents and I would play together exploring outer space, fighting monsters. My parents are so cool, right?
You’d think that our life would be a little more luxurious and it was. Unfortunately, the selfish government increased taxes and fees from school started to pile up. As the victor in sophomore year I was exempt from those rules as long as I remained Victor. But my parents have yet to completely finish paying all those debts.
It's dangerous to get lost in your thoughts when you’re traveling 3 feet off the ground at 15 miles per hour on a hoverboard because you might end up running into a moving car. Thankfully, I managed to stop just in time.
“So, the Victor almost crashes to a fatal stop. It would be sad, you know. I’d hate for my best friend to die like that.”
I knew that voice.
I turned around and noticed that mischievous grin with sharp teeth I was so familiar with. With his strong red eyes and messy black hair he could’ve been a criminal. Well he technically should be but we’re too smart to get caught.
“Thomas, how’re you?” I asked as I got off my hoverboard.
“Oh, nothing, just waiting for you,” he replied. “I knew you’d show up here to catch the levitrain.”
He gave me a hug and somehow managed to pick me up and spin me around like something a kid would ask their parents to do.
“How’re you doing my best friend? Did you actually get a huge extravagant meal because I just did. My mom just got paid and she didn’t save a single epi.”
“Yeah, I actually did and so I can actually keep my breakfast and not throw up let me down.”
“Sure!”
“How’re you so strong anyway? I know you work out but are you seriously that strong. Don’t tell me you actually have super strength.”
“I hope I don’t. Life sucks as is but it would get even worse if I suddenly awakened superpowers.”
I feel the same. It’s rough but we can make it better.
“Fistbump!”
We always managed to read each other’s minds.
“Are you ready for these physicals?” I asked.
“I’m so sick of those things,” he replied. “Oh, it’s time for us to cross.”
We both got on our hoverboards and raced towards school.
“Don’t worry about it, you're strong and you’re pretty muscular,” I assured him. “But, I hope you’re not strong enough to throw a car or something.”
“Don’t worry about it, I've already tried. Nah, I’m kidding.”
“So, are we doing that job today,” Thomas asked with a mischievous grin.
“You know it,” I said.
CHAPTER 2
Now you have to admit our school was pretty impressive.
First of all, it was gigantic. It sort of resembled a castle but really high tech in blue, red, and white colors. In the middle FutureTech was printed in red and blue and was highlighted in white. The dorms were on the left side. And the rest of the other facilities and equipment was in the other half. This was FutureTech, a place which was probably the best school a student could ask for. Less than 20% of those who apply here make the cut. And the majority of them were rich kids who could afford to pay the tuition. Me and Thomas barely made it and it was really tough. But we both worked hard and eventually I became the Victor. One of the perks of being a Victor that must’ve been in place for people like us was that the Victor could choose anyone who didn’t have as much money as the others to be their second in command. They would be exempt from the tuition and other crazy rules. Did you know you have to pay a security fee after a year?
Crazy.
But those only applied if the other guy had good grades and a clean track record. But only as long as I’m the Victor and if either of us do anything that breaks the rules we’ll both be kicked out. Talk about pressure.
But this was the best place to learn anything really. Law, business, art, engineering and other sciences. And it could all be done here.
The school had defenses in place to protect the lives of students and staff. An electromagnetic barrier surrounded the entire establishment. Stretching out a few acres across outside the building. If you wanted to get in you had to get through the one gate in the front. At the gate there were security cameras, x-rays, and 10 armed Sentinels just for extra security. The security was just as intense inside making it nearly impossible to do anything that violated the rules. They didn’t waste a single epi.
“Man, the security of this place is unnerving as always,” Thomas complained.
“It never fails to show me just how out of place we are.”
“Of course the security is advanced. The children of really important people receive education here. This helps them make sure they aren’t kidnapped. I do agree it's unnerving but at least it’s secure. Besides you and I both deserve to be here”
We walked through the sliding doors and saw just how beautiful the school was inside.
The place was illuminated by golden lights. Robots made clunky noises while drones wizzed over my head. I could barely hear myself think over the voices of other students. Girls argued over petty things like their hairstyles and whose boyfriend was better. While boys competed to see who’s stronger or more handsome. Rainbow colors flashed from the lab to the right. Future doctors practiced their skills on mannequins in the lab at the left.
“Hey, look, it's the Victor!”
Soon, the whole school had their eyes on me.
Girls and boys waved and applauded. Even the ones on the second floor whooped and jumped around. Not everyone felt the same though. Some students snickered and sneered while others glared with hatred and jealousy. Even when you work hard to be at the top not everyone will appreciate it.
“You’re popular,” Thomas remarked.
“Too bad not everyone is a fan. You still got the ladies cheering for you. You think you could give them a good word about me?” Thomas joked.
“You know that’s not how it is. We’re on different levels in society. I lose my title as Victor and I fade into the background.”
“Besides, you're smart and strong. Try hard enough and you could get a girlfriend. Just don’t let anyone catch on to our extracurricular activities.”
“Look at that smug smile on his face,” a voice rang out.
“It must be nice to be the Victor's lap dog. I could use that so explain why it is getting wasted on that idiot.”
“ He thinks he’s so strong and mighty just because of that stupid pin. Wait till I get my hands on it, fool.”
“He should watch out. It’d be unfortunate if an accident were to happen. No one would miss some commoners who couldn’t support themselves without that Victor title.”
“Who is that?” Thomas demanded.
“If I find out who they are they won’t have to worry about creating any accident.”
“Chill out Thomas. None of them have the guts or smarts to try anything. Besides, together there’s nothing they can do to either of us.”
“You’re right. We have brains and muscles,” he said as he flexed his arms.
I don’t blame some of them though. Kids who weren’t super wealthy but still made it could use the privileges I got from this title. There were also the selfish rich kids who had more money than they really needed. But I couldn't bear to see someone work hard to achieve something they couldn’t. It makes me so sick sometimes. Our parents do our best just to put a roof over our heads and pay taxes. But I became Victor and that’s a problem. I apologize but I’m not giving it up anytime soon.
“ So what’s first on Victor's schedule?”
“First, we have History class. Then, I have to give a report on quantum physics. Then we have lunch right before the physicals.”
“Well, while you’re doing your fancy report on quantum psychics I’m doing one on the state of this Sector. There’s so many children and families without homes. If I simply beg them nothing will happen. I’ll convince them why they should lend money and support to those who really deserve it. They can train adults to help reinforce the Walls. Add them to the military. Children can also be useful for things. Think about all the new medications they could try by using sick children. They could also put extremely smart children to work in engineering. Even the government can’t ignore the potential of children if given the right environment.”
Good old Thomas is always thinking of ways to help those in need. He takes every advantage and tool he can if it means he can improve the lives of his mother’s and others. More reason for me to fight to stay the Victor.
“Thomas, I have a question.”
“What is it?” he asked.
“Let’s say if you can do what you plan. What if some of those who you’re helping have powers?”
Thomas' face darkened as he stopped his stride.
I hate to do this to him but what if some of those he’s trying to help are Enhanced. People who have done nothing wrong superpowers or not don’t deserve to be hurt out of fear and hatred. Especially if it was because my best friend was only trying to genuinely help.
“I’m not sure. I can already imagine what the government would do if they got their hands on Enhanced people. But if I can only help people with no powers who actually need it. Am I wrong to try even if it could hurt others?”

Chapter 12: Oracle, Leader, Anesthesiologist
First/Previous/Next
“I’ve studied the murlocs, and there’s one thing I know for sure. They’re smarter than the other races of Azeroth think - smart enough to not let anyone know.”

• Brann Bronzebeard, Explorers’ League

~ Mrgglr
I gave one of my pouches a pat, making sure it was still secured to my belt. The Sea Crawler eggs had hatches yesterday during our journey. It had caused a slight delay while I made sure the larva were hatching properly and had enough food to curtail most of the cannibalism common when a clutch hatches.
Now the couple dozen tiny larva were scuttling around their pouch, trying to poke their way through the fiber. I open the top and dropped in a handful of ripped-up shrimp I had acquired at our previous stop. With the pouch settled on my hip, I could feel the feeding frenzy taking place within.
As the village came into view in the distance, Glrrm broke the silence that had dominated the last leg of our journey.
“It looks like the village is still standing, so that’s good.”
That got a small chuckle out of me. “I had complete trust in Brrglrm to not burn it to the ground. It looks like that trust was not misplaced.”
Glrrm responded, a smile stretching across his face. “Yes, complete trust. That’s why you refused to bet on it with me.”
I smiled in return, speaking in an even tone. “I simply felt doing something as frivolous as gambling on my apprentice’s abilities was unfitting. If Brgllrm found out she would lose respect for me.”
“Right…” Glrrm said as he sped up, turning around to face Mrgglr with a large smile. “Or maybe you just didn’t want to risk giving up your stash of mealworms.”
That… I didn’t expect him to ask about that. “How do you know about that?” I said in a confused tone.
“I saw you pocket a handful of them before we left from that mound near the forest. I had always wondered why you collected all those food scrapes after meals. Thought you did some magic thingies with them, but no, you just wanted some snacks.”
“It kind of is a magic thing. I’ve been trying to connect more with earth since we settled on the shore. I can’t rely on my training in water to help much, so I have been trying new techniques. Working with dirt helps me understand it better.”
Glrrm’s face scrunched up in thought and he said, “What, so you dig a hole and can throw around boulders now?”
That elicited a series of small chuckles from me. If only it were that easy. “Oh no, not even close. I haven’t even contacted any earth elementals, so I can’t move so much as a pebble right now. But the more I understand what the earth wants, the closer I am to forming a pact.”
Glrrm went quiet after that, considering my statement. We once again slipped into silence as we reached the shallow waters leading to the beach. The beach was strangely absent, with no one present to welcome the oracle and chieftain. Surely someone had seen them approaching, especially with the heightened vigilance the gnoll attacks created.
As Mrgglr placed his bags on the sand and stretched, Glrrm pointed inland. “I think something’s happening in the village.” He said.
Looking at where he was pointing, there was a large gathering of people in the village. There were much more than usual for this time of day. It looked like most of the village was standing about, clustered around… my hut?
While we made our way into the village proper I ran scenarios through my head. Most of the people there should have been out hunting or gathering at this time of day. The only reason so many people would abandon their tasks was for an emergency, and the most likely emergency I could think of was an injury.
If someone did get hurt, Brgllrm should be able to deal with it. She had been learning about healing and watching me work for the past few months, absorbing my lessons like a whale swallowing swarms of krill. It was amazing to watch her take in a concept and then utilize it immediately after. I had made so many mistakes when I started working with my father and that was raising Sea Crawlers. Brgllrm was learning how to save lives and was already better than many of the healers I had met on my travels.
A cluster of the crowd broke off and started running toward us when we stepped off the beach. Before I could ask any questions, a dozen shouting voices cut me off. I had trouble making sense of what anyone was saying with how they were speaking over one another.
After a few seconds without any sign of the crowd settling down, Glrrm raised his hand and let loose a loud, sharp yell of “Quiet!”
I then took the opportunity to ask my question while they were still silent. “What is happening at my hut?” Then when I saw at least three people start to answer my question, I quickly added “One person only, please.”
A few seconds passed in awkward silence as the group looked around at each other. Eventually, a young man stepped in front of the crowd and reached out to clasp my arm. “We’re glad you’re back Oracle Mrgglr, me, and everyone else in the village.”
Returning the gesture, I squeezed the man’s forearm. “I am sure you all did well without my supervision. But what is the current commotion?”
“Oh, yes that. Lrsh got attacked by a bear while she was out gathering those berries the tadpoles love. Glrmgrlr managed to chase the bear off and drag her back to the village on a stretcher, but she was losing a lot of blood.”
A bear? That was… not too weird. The beasts usually stayed within their territories in the more inland forests but were known to occasionally make their way to bodies of water inhabited by murlocs. It was especially bad during springtime with all the extra fish spawning. I had once heard a story of a river that was visited by not one but two bears in one day. Luckily they just swiped some fish from the river and left, but the tadpoles were still left rattled by the experience.
“Did Lrsh survive?” I said with a worried tone. Lrsh was a sweet woman and only 17 this year. It would be a shame to see such a promising young lady sink to the deeps before her tide had receded. Having to oversee her funeral just 5 years after her coming-of-age ceremony would be devastating.
“We don’t know. That’s why everyone’s hanging around your hut. Brgllrm is trying to save her, but I don’t see what she can do. Has she received the blessing of the spirits yet?”
“I do not believe so, at least not in the same form as my gift.” I turned to Glrrm and gave him a nod. “I have complete faith in my apprentice’s abilities, but it is my responsibility as both her master and Oracle to lend a helping hand, especially in such dire circumstances. Let us move with haste.”
I led Glrrm and the group to my hut, the crowd parting to let me through. As I started to climb up the ladder Brgllrm stuck her head out the front door. Before I could call out to her, she yelled “Hey! If you’re all going to just stand around I need someone to help me up here! Find someone who knows how to… oh. Hello Mrgglr. You’re back?”
“And you are busy. Help me up and I’ll see what I can do to assist.”
“Right, yes of course.” She reached down and steadied the ladder, stopping it from wobbling while I climbed it. “I still need someone who can stitch!” she called out to the gawkers on the sand.
I straightened myself on the solid planks of wood and gave my apprentice a cursory examination. She was covered in sporadic splatters of blood, its crimson-red hue and flowing state spoke to the recent nature of its acquisition. Aside from her morbid decoration, Brgllrm looked much like how she did when I left for the council. She still possessed a truly ridiculous number of pouches on her belt and was currently rooting through them one by one, pulling out all manner of things both useful and impractical.
The retrieval of a stalk of silverleaf from a side pouch accompanied a turn as Brgllrm walked back through the doorway. “We’re lucky you got back in time. I tried my best but Lrsh was absolutely shredded. I’m pretty sure her leg is a lost cause, and she has bled like 3 handfuls of blood since she got here.”
Moving into the interior, I immediately noticed the heavy metallic scent of blood. The source was obvious as Lrsh was laying on one of the patient beds against the wall. A trail of dried blood led from the entrance to the bed, and the cloth Lrsh was wrapped in was stained a reddish-brown.
While I took in the gruesome sight, Brgllrm had made her way over to my tool rack and retrieved a grinding stone. She placed the silverleaf in the concave stone and started crushing the herb.
“Have you given her any other medicine besides the silverleaf?”
“No, I’ve been too busy trying to stem the bleeding. But she’s starting to wake up, so I thought she could use something to calm down.”
Brgllrm handed me the grinding stone and I set it down next to Lrsh’s face, making sure the fumes were finding their way to her. Then I started on a thorough examination, taking care not to disturb the wrappings around her right leg.
I had thought that Brgllrm was just exaggerating Lrsh’s injury due to her inexperience. No matter how gifted she is, the horror of a dying patient couldn’t be understood through stories alone. Everyone I had worked with had a story of their first time seeing torn flesh, and they usually didn’t say “and so I acted calmly.” Panic was the typical reaction. I even freaked out during my apprenticeship during my first real patient, although in my defense their legs had been slightly crushed by a collapsing cave.
But even with the wrapping still on I could tell this was no light injury. Her leg was a mess, and the only thing I could think of was how lucky she was to survive this long, especially without any magical assistance. Brgllrm had done a stellar job at dressing her wounds and keeping her relaxed. But she would have most likely died from blood loss or infection. Her injuries were just too severe. Even with my magic, it would be rough, and her body might not have enough energy to keep up with the healing.
Once the silverleaf had done its job and Lrsh’s face relaxed into a neutral expression, I started drawing upon the power of the waves. The totem hanging around my neck started to rattle, glowing a faint blue and rising into the air in front of my face. Placing a hand on Lrsh’s head, a wave of blue light spread across her prone form, her breathing becoming steady as the numbing effect reached her legs.
When her whole body had been enveloped, I turned away from the bed and spoke to Brgllrm. “Would you retrieve a clamshell’s worth of seawater from the spawning pools and any food you can find? Only things that are simple to eat.”
With a nod, she left the hut and I could hear her yelling at the crowd outside. Shaking my head I returned my attention to Lrsh. One of the positives I could find was that she appeared relatively healthy aside from the massive bear wounds. There was none of the sunken cheeks and spindly limbs I had seen in a few of the villages that were hardest hit by the Gnolls. It is hard to find enough to eat when a majority of your hunters and gatherers were killed or taken away.
I walked over to my collection of clamshells and picked up one with a small leaf carved on the top. Opening it up I collected a few sprigs of peacebloom and added them to the silverleaf paste. They were a bit scuffed up but usable, and I couldn’t blame the gatherers for not knowing how to properly harvest medicinal herbs. That was supposed to be my job, but with everything going on I hadn’t found any time to do it.
I placed the shell back in its place and sat down next to Lrsh. As I mashed the bright white flowers into the paste, I realized something. This is quite possibly the worst time to announce the muster.
~Brgllrm
In the few hours since Mrgglr had returned from the council, he had been acting a bit weird. He wouldn’t answer any of my questions about what had happened, with every question being deflected or garnering the response of “It was interesting”.
Then there was his demeanor. For all the time I had known Mrgglr, he held himself in a certain way. He was old no doubt, often hunching over and leaning on his staff. But there was a sense of power and confidence most other murlocs lacked.
Now he seemed worried. He spent time staring into space and muttering things to himself instead of paying full attention to the patient. I had never seen him like that. He had always imposed upon me the importance of being focused on the task at hand. Sure Lrsh wasn’t dying outright, but that didn’t mean he could just space out.
I would have stuck around to get some more insight into whatever is bothering him, but he told me to leave. Well, technically he suggested I take a break and find some food for Lrsh. But I could understand the subtext. He wanted some alone time to think. He was using a smart method, having to take care of a patient would give him an excuse to not leave the hut and refuse requests an oracle would normally be obliged to help with.
I was also just exhausted. Lrsh had been found fairly early in the morning. Noon hadn’t passed yet when she was dragged into the village and placed on a stretcher. Now the sun was waning and would set in an hour or two. It wasn’t the longest or most arduous day I ever had, but those experiences came from back on Earth. Shockingly, there is a large gap in endurance between an adult woman’s body and what is basically a teenager murloc’s one.
The beach was my go-to place when I felt overwhelmed. The rhythmic lapping of the waves against the shore was nice. It helped me recharge after a long day of listening to Mrgglr and occasionally doing menial tasks. Ah apprenticeships, I’ve missed you.
While relaxing, my walk on the beach didn’t result in the discovery of anything noteworthy. I hadn’t expected to find treasures just laying in the sand, but there weren’t even any nice shells to pick up. But I wasn’t disappointed. I had no real need for wealth right now. It’s not like I’m looking to get romantically involved anytime soon, so gifts are something I exclusively receive. Luckily I haven’t received any special gifts yet. Mrgglr said it is frowned upon to court someone as young as me, but not unknown, especially with talented youth. So it turns out that’s something I have to be on the lookout for.
Although it is also apparently socially acceptable to feed them to hungry marine life. Something about being strong enough to command the beasts of the waves and the respect of the Deep Mother. Silver linings and all that.
Making my way back to Mrgglr’s hut, I could see faint flashes of green and blue-tinged light coming from the entrance. Stepping in, Mrgglr spoke immediately. “Are you feeling better, Brgllrm?”
“Yes.” I responded succinctly. The importance of clear and simple speech was one of the first things Mrgglr had taught me when working on high-risk patients. Time spent on ass-kissing was time wasted.
“Could you come over here, please?” He said without any hint of inflection in his voice. As I crossed the relatively small room, I noticed his eyes were closed.
When I got within a few steps he motioned for me to sit on the floor across from him. Lrsh’s breathing had gotten much better, a far cry from the erratic and haggard breaths she took when I first got her into the bed. Also, Her wrappings were actually clean, lacking any of the bloodstains my attempts inevitably acquired from her wounds. Whatever Mrgglr did worked quickly.
After I had sat down, Mrgglr started talking in an even tone. “I learned some important information at the council. A plan has been created that will affect everyone in the village. But it is frightening, even to me.”
I started to nod, more for myself than Mrgllr as he still had his eyes closed. “And you don’t know how to tell everyone without causing a panic.”
Mrgllr responded after a short exhale. “Not exactly. I possess some experience with calming crowds in these exact scenarios.”
“Then why are you talking to me now?”
“Because you are my apprentice. It would be unbecoming of me to blindside you with this knowledge. You also have a part to play in alleviating the worst fears conjured up in people’s minds.”
“I don’t remember social engineering being part of the deal when I started this apprenticeship thing.”
There was a pause as Mrgglr parsed my sentence. “How do you come up with these words? Social engineering? Social is understandable, but you have never built a hut before. How do you know about engineering?”
I shrugged, unwilling to give a concrete answer. He wasn’t seriously asking the question. Its use was rhetorical, a way to express some of the surprise my vocabulary could elicit. People don’t expect someone as young as me to know half of what I do. To be fair, most of my knowledge wasn’t learned in this world. It was still annoying to be talked down to.
“It is quite simple. When you became my apprentice you gained certain responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is to assist me in the completion of my duties. I need to keep people calm, therefore you must as well.”
“I know, I know. What do you need me to do?”
“Nothing. Or more precisely, I need you to change nothing. Act like everything is normal.”
“Reassure people with my presence. A bit basic, but good nonetheless. I’ll make sure to talk you up a bit, really hammer home how capable you are.”
“I can never keep up with how the youth are speaking.” He muttered under his breath before responding to me. “That would be ideal. Organizing some village-wide activities would help as well. Sitting around and waiting will give people time to foster negative emotions. Idle fins are the naga’s playthings after all.”
I leaned back in a large stretch. “You make it sound like everyone is going to go crazy when you tell them what happened. It can’t be that bad, right?”
Mrgllr looked down at his staff when he responded. “It can be that bad. War has come, and there are no oceans left to run to.”
First/Previous/Next

Thanks, Paul Mitchell and Aveda.
I wish I can taste more meals from the Bonanza library itself. I wish I can visit the Windmill/Rainbow Library.
Thanks, Doctor Martens.
I wish I can play pickleball/tabletennis again. Hope the Stiga table and the Monarch paddles/balls are sanitized. Hope my games are covered. Even not just by one person alone. Hope there is safe mopping of the gym floor, wood not swelling.
Thanks, Time and Tru/Walmart.
I wish Walmart hot food items could be shared with Help of (Southern) Nevada clients/staff.
Thanks, builders and guardians (even the dog) of my most recent stage near downtown with beautiful lights (like bus stops) nearby.
How's the water bill of Sam's Town?
Thanks, I love my coats, Kasper and more.
How are the kitchen sets of Parkway and Millennial East and Rainbow apartments?
​

1. Frywall: Can there be a cover over it, transparent or eg opaque, eg pleated, even sisal, papier mache, palm leaf? Patent (c) Dr. Diana Hallare (R)
2. TubShroom: Why not have it as a wire/yarn/recycled plastic thread/Christmas ribbon spool? Christmas tree ornament to decorate (DIY)? A little lamp? (c) Dr. Diana Hallare (R)
3. Ring: As aforementioned, toilet guards? Circadian shelter guards like Mamava eg for UPS/FedEx/DHL?
4. Sleep Styler: To comfort rescued birds, turtles, baby seals, baby dolphins, baby cubs?
5. Zipit Bedding Set: Could it be featured in Choice Hotels, eg commercial or gift stores or ecommerce like World Vision and St Jude's?
6. Grace & Lace Thigh High Boot Socks: WIC clients, eg pregnant ones? Could it have 1-2 stripes (or braided stripes), eg maroon, green, navy blue, lavender, amethyst, daisy yellow
7. Doodle & Co Pop Pacifier: What do you think, WIC, CDC, FDA, EPA? How about sink/bathtub plug? seedling care? Paintbrush holder? (Inventory) Resources from the beach? Which one(s)?
8. Bridal Buddy: "Wedding on Plastic Beach"?
9. The Comfy: How about for the homeless who are trying to lose weight?
10. Rocketbook Wave Smart Notebook: Varsity Tutors? A-Z Tutoring? University in-person tutoring? Kaplan/Princeton?
11. Line Cutterz: What do you think. FDA, EPA, NPS, TSA?
12. Goverre Portable Stemless Wine Glasses: reminds me of aromatherapy and candle cases. For the latter, how about Pandanggo sa Ilaw balancing? Gifts for wedding guests?
13. BevBuckle: Does the beer bottle have glow-in-the -dark beer by Mr. Z? (FEMA? Rescue.org?)
14. Baker's Edge Brownie Pan: Growing beans and seedlings? Feeding lab pets? Interesting soup "bowl" - eg for restaurant, Panera, Olive Garden, Bubba Gump's?
15. Drop Stop Car Seat Gap Filler: Does it have fragrance (Scentsy rival later perhaps?) or antimicrobial properties?
16. BetterBack: Can it have a heating/cooling pad? Can it be cleaned - drycleaners/LG steam? Is it helpful in rehabilitation hospitals/physical therapy?
17. Third Wave Water Tablets: What do you think, FDA, CDC, School Nutrition Board? Why do you/they drink coffee with distilled water?
18. Japanese Maple Pop-Up Card: I exclaimed in awe. Nice for engagement proposal or as wedding invitation. Sell in Canada too. Sell at WestJet "counters". Sell with/for Vermont "Compassion Pilgrimages"/Disabilities Center(s).
19. Thompson Hydro-Shield (Sweat) Tee: Export to Africa/Australia/Asia/Latin America? Advertising in Parenting Magazine?
20. Beard Head Beanies: March 17? Dance/orchestra/skating troupe?
21. Good Hangups: Hello HGTV, how is it? Hello Bakers of Guy Fiero, how is it?
22. Citi Kitty Toilet Training Kit: Humane Society, how is it? Petpol, how is it?
23. Creaclip Set Hair Cutting Tool: how's this, GreatClips and SuperClips and recycents? FDA, CDC? Hazma?
24. Fizzics Beer System: How's it, Virgin Hotels? Fremont Experience?
25. Nerdwax: Silver Spring? Bethesda?
26. Phone Soap 3.0: Any cellphone can fit here? Any Safelite needed?
27. The Spatty Last Drop Spatula: Vase cleaners or makers? Lab Beaker cleaners?
28. Squatty Potty: For the homes near UCSB? Is it OK for someone with spina bifida or muscular dystrophy?
29. Beard King Grooming Cape: Hostels/hotels/motels? University dorms?
30. Q-flex Acupressure: (Rehabilitation, Cardiac Unit, ICU) Hospitals and Geriatric Care?
31. ChordBuddy Guitar Learning System: Door or Wheel Stopper? What's your opinion, Savvy?
32. The Monkey Mat: Bye Bye Baby? Bed Bath and Beyond? TSA?
33. Fun Bites Food Cutters for Kids: Daycares, what do you think?

Thank you,
(c) Dr. DIana Hallare (R)
​
Enjoy your meals. I hope the RTCSNV gets enough toilet supplies.

Possible trigger warning: Discussion of chronic illness, death, and suicide
Section One: Assets and Debt
*Note: My husband (M) makes around $180k but we have separate finances so all income, debt, and expenses listed here are mine, unless otherwise noted*
Retirement Balance:
· My poor 401k has taken a beating in the last year or so; it’s currently sitting at about $338k despite recently increasing my contributions significantly
· I contribute 16% to my 401k and my employer contributes 8%
· I receive a small pension from my employer; they contribute 3% of my pay per year to this fund but it doesn’t perform well and I’m not including this in my retirement planning
Equity if you're a homeowner:
· M and I purchased our home in early 2020 for $615k, right before the housing market went WILD
· We put down $100k (which was from sale of previous home), and our rate is 2.99%; we refinanced in 2021 and took out $50k equity for bathroom renovations and kept our same interest rate (thankfully!) so current mortgage balance is $515k
· Our home is now worth approx. $950k so we have about $435k in equity
Savings account balance:
· My personal savings is really low right now at $3k
· M and I have a joint savings account we use for home expenses and a 529 for our child, A, who is currently 7; I’m hoping to increase our 529 contributions soon
Checking account balance:
· Currently $137; I keep this pretty low and just use it to pay for day-to-day expenses after all my bills are paid
Credit card debt (and how you accumulated it):
· $19k in total, across 4 credit cards
· It makes me physically ill to type this out, but I am actively paying it down using my remaining funds after expenses are paid each month
· This debt accumulated over a number of years and was largely due to expenses/inflation drastically outpacing my income
Student loan debt (for what degree):
· $0
· I had a private student loan for part of my MBA but I paid it off in early 2022. I’m really fortunate that my company pays up to $10k per year for education so my undergrad and most of my graduate degree were covered under that program
Other debt:
· $6k for an unsecured loan I used to pay for a surgery that wasn’t covered by my insurance
· $15.5k remaining on my auto loan
Section Two: Income
Income Progression:
· I got my first job at a fast-food restaurant when I was 13; I worked all through high school, sometimes two jobs at once, to pay for all my clothing and school supplies. My parents provided food and housing but everything else was up to me
· I started working at my current company when I was 18 years old; my starting salary was $19k per year. My mother kicked me out the month I turned 18 so it was a really hard year, but I learned a lot about self-reliance
· Fast-forward to the last few years: I made $85k in 2019-2020, $95k in 2021, and $100k in early 2022
· I started my current role at the end of 2022 and my current base salary is $140,000; I receive bonuses which bring my total cash compensation to approx. $167k annually
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
· My net pay is approx. $6230 per month
Pre-tax deductions are-
· $22 Dental insurance
· $154 FSA contribution
· $150 Medical insurance (for me only; M has A on his insurance due to my MS expenses)
· $995 401k contribution
· $11 Vision insurance
After-tax deduction-
· $20 charity; employer matches
Side Gig Monthly Take Home
· None right now; in the past I have delivered for Uber Eats, mainly for the tax write-offs
Any Other Monthly Income Here
· None
Section Three: Expenses
Monthly expenses:
· $1500 Mortgage payment (this is my half; M pays the other half)
o This includes homeowners’ insurance and property taxes
· $150 contribution to a joint savings account with M
· $150 contribution to savings account & 529 plan for A
· $335 auto loan payment
· $311 surgery loan payment
· $370 minimum payments for credit cards
· $112 term life insurance payment
· $350 electric/gas/watetrash/internet (this varies each month but $350 is avg.)
· $89 cellphone (just mine; M has his own plan with another carrier)
· $3 Apple storage
· $48 gym membership
· $10 Uber Eats subscription
· $80 pet expenses (my half, split with M; this covers food, meds, etc.)
· $60 auto and jewelry insurance
· $72 A’s private soccer lessons (my half; split with M)
· $100 A’s regular soccer team expenses (my half; split with M)
· $700 groceries/restaurants (my half; split with M)
· $60 gas for my car (blissfully low since I work from home and A’s school is close to us)
· $0 for Netflix and HBO-Go; we have friends & family who kindly share with us
· $65 for pest control (scorpions are bad here) *
Quarterly expenses:
· $90 HOA fees (split with M, this is my half)
· $120 monitored home alarm system *
Annual expenses:
· $99 Duolingo
· $129 Amazon Prime
· $450 professional memberships (related to various certifications I hold)
· $99 annual fee for travel credit card; airfare savings more than make up for it
· $30 PTSA membership fee
*Since M covers A on his health insurance, I pay for the pest control and home alarm system since it ends up being about the same cost
Day 1-Sunday:
7:00 AM: Slept in a little and it was glorious. Got out of bed, took my morning meds, chugged some water, and headed downstairs to check on A. He was already up for the day and he was watching a kids’ show on Netflix with M
7:15 AM: Made a green tea for my caffeine fix using half bottled, unsweetened green tea and half water to dilute it a little bit. Made breakfast for A; he wanted half a bagel with cream cheese and some green grapes. No breakfast for me since my morning fatigue med suppresses my appetite and I usually don’t start to get hungry until late morning or early afternoon.
7:30-8:15 AM: Hung out with A while he ate his breakfast, then I got dressed and headed to the gym
8:30-9:30 AM: Took a really fun cycle class where the instructor works with a live DJ. It makes it a really cool environment with great music, which makes the hour fly by
9:45 AM: Home from the gym, took a quick body shower and threw a load of laundry in the washing machine. Made some avocado toast with Ezekiel gluten-free bread, goat cheese, and eggs. I recently removed cow’s milk from my diet and I’m trying to also limit gluten; they’re both really reactive for my body so as much as I love ALL THE CHEESE and bread and pasta and ice cream, I know that reducing them may help with some of my MS symptoms. Sigh.
10:25 AM: Moved the laundry to the dryer and started the next load, then played Minecraft Dungeons with A for 30 minutes. He is an only child, so M and I play games and do various activities with him a lot. It’s sometimes hard when I’m really fatigued but I truly cherish all the time we get to spend playing with him and doing things he enjoys. I know I’m going to miss it when he gets older and decides he’s too cool to hang out with his parents.
11-11:30 AM: I only took half of my fatigue medication today, so I am dragging. I try to give my body a break from that medication once per week because I don’t want to become dependent on it. Unfortunately, I am exhausted on those days where I take a smaller dose or skip it. I made a chai tea latte with almond milk to try to get a caffeine boost (spoiler alert: it did not work). Talked on FaceTime with my mom and my little brother, who’s deployed overseas right now. Did light makeup and put my hair in a half-up/half-down thing while I was talking to them. I got dressed in comfy jeans, a coral-colored sweatshirt, and pastel Birkenstock sandals. M, A, and I left to go meet M’s family for lunch to celebrate M’s brother’s birthday.
12-1:30 PM: Had a really nice lunch with M and his family; I adore them and feel abundant gratitude for having in-laws I really like and enjoy spending time with. I wasn’t super hungry since I had a late breakfast, so I ordered some beef sliders and then drank 2 honey blonde ales. M’s family kindly treated everyone to lunch so no cost to us ($0).
1:30-3 PM: Took a little nap to sleep off the honey ale, while A and M hung out downstairs. Got up from my nap and made a snack for A of grapes and some chips. I munched on some grapes and gave myself a silent talking-to for overdoing it at lunch. Took my afternoon meds.
3:00-5:30 PM: A and I played outside with the dogs, throwing tennis balls for them to fetch and tossing a frisbee back and forth. We also practiced some soccer stuff. I did my daily French lesson with Duo Lingo, picked up the yard (dog owners-you know), and then A and I picked some fresh lemons, oranges, and tangelos from our citrus trees. We are really fortunate to have a huge backyard with tons of fruit trees and other plants. I washed all the fruit we picked, then used it to make a centerpiece for the kitchen island. We played some Mario Kart and another round of Minecraft Dungeons before getting ready for dinner.
5:30-6:30 PM: We had a quick dinner of leftover pizza, chicken wings, and salad. I cleaned up the kitchen while M did the dishes. M and I played a card game (Pinochle) while A took a shower and got his jammies on.
6:30-7:45 PM: M, A, and I finished watching “Rock Dog” on Netflix-it was cute. I packed A’s backpack and snacks for school tomorrow. It’s his first day back after Spring Break but he really enjoys school so he’s excited.
7:45-8:15 PM: Read stories with A for half an hour before he fell asleep. He wanted to know how to say some silly phrases in French, so we practiced that for a few minutes before I headed to my room to get ready for bed.
8:15-10 PM: I did my nighttime routine-brushed the dogs’ teeth (they both enjoy it and follow me to the bathroom at night when they know it’s time) and did my skincare routine. I have been loving products from The Ordinary and the granactive retinoid emulsion I use at night has been a game changer for my skin. I scrolled Reddit for a while before passing out.
Daily total: $0
Day 2-Monday:
3:30-5:00 AM: Woke up in the middle of the night after having a really stressful dream and could not get back to sleep. Scrolled Reddit and checked personal e-mails and texts until I finally fell back to sleep at 5 AM.
6:30 AM: Woke up after snoozing my alarm repeatedly. I checked my work e-mail and Slack messages to get caught up for the day; my team are all on the East Coast so they’re three hours ahead of me. Took my morning meds and drank a bunch of water.
6:45-7:45 AM: Went downstairs to grab my daily green tea and checked on A, who was doing a quick workout with M. A is very much into fitness right now and loves participating in whatever workouts M is doing. Made breakfast for A (bagel and cream cheese and grapes again), put away two loads of laundry, fed the dogs, showered, got dressed (pastel sweatshirt and yoga pants), helped A brush his teeth and get ready for school, picked up the yard again, and made an almond milk smoothie for my breakfast with pineapple and some of the citrus we picked yesterday. Before we headed out the door for school, A spotted a little rabbit sitting in our back yard, so we kept the dogs inside the house and gently chased the bunny out our gate to the front yard. I’m sure poor Peter Rabbit was terrified, but we didn’t want the dogs to get him. I realized that I have grown up to be Farmer McGregor!
8-11:30 AM: Dropped A off at school and sent a Venmo payment to A’s soccer coach for his soccer lesson later today ($35). Called my cellphone provider to inquire about an incorrect charge on my bill (they refunded it-$10), called my pharmacy to refill two prescriptions, and hopped on Amazon to order a new sports bra, some vitamins for the dogs, and some fancy gold sprinkles for cupcakes I’m making at the end of the month ($71.23). My first morning meeting got moved to later in the week, so I got caught up on all my e-mails, helped a coworker with some questions she had, and made a to-do list for my work tasks today.
11:30 AM: I made a quick lunch (breakfast?) of a breakfast burrito and finished an episode of “How to Get Away with Murder”; I am OBSESSED with this show and kicking myself for not starting to watch it until recently! I ate 2 cookies for good measure and headed back to my home office.
12-5 PM: Attended some meetings, prepped a presentation for tomorrow, and did other admin work. I talked to one of my sisters about issues our other sister is having while I emptied the dishwasher. I also completed my daily Duo Lingo lesson and typed up some of my Money Diary. Took my afternoon meds.
5-7 PM: M and A got home from A’s private soccer lesson and we heated up dinner (more leftovers) and ate quickly before A and I headed back to the soccer center for his regular practice. A was a rockstar and put so much energy into practice, as usual. I completed another Duo Lingo lesson while watching him practice.
7:15 PM: Home from soccer, ordered Dairy Queen delivery through Uber Eats ($26.73). It was a special treat for A since he did so well at his soccer practice and soccer lesson today. Am I going to feel terrible tomorrow after consuming so much dairy? Probably. Is it worth it? We shall see!
7:30-8:30 PM: A took a quick shower then M read him stories and put him to bed. I did my nighttime routine, watched another episode of “How to Get Away with Murder”, and then it was lights out.
Daily total: $132.96
Day 3-Tuesday:
4:45 AM: My alarm goes off and I begrudgingly crawl out of bed. I drink some water, take my morning meds, and make my green tea, before getting dressed for the gym. It’s still dark outside and it’s raining like crazy so my motivation to go to the gym is waning.
5:30-6:30 AM: I took a cycle class at my gym, with a different instructor and format than the one on Sunday. It wasn’t as challenging as the other cycle class, but it was also super early, so I am not complaining.
6:30-7:45 AM: Head home from the gym, shower, get dressed (a gray t-shirt and yoga pants), and hang out with A while he eats breakfast (bagel with cream cheese and some grapes again). I responded to Slacks from my team and checked my calendar for the day while I made another green tea. After A was done eating breakfast, we played some Minecraft Dungeons together. He doesn’t usually get to play video games before school, but he got himself dressed and ready to go in record time, so I didn’t mind making an exception.
7:45-8:15 AM: Dropped A off at school and headed home to finish getting ready for the day. I put on some light makeup and dry shampooed my hair so I would be presentable for the multiple meetings I have today.
8:30-11:15 AM: Took a bunch of meetings, two of which I thought would be really tough but ended up going well. Made a brunch of Ezekiel toast with peanut butter and strawberry jam and ate that while I typed up more of this Money Diary before my next round of meetings began.
12-4:30 PM: Lots of meetings and work to do in between them. I took a quick snack break and ate 2 cookies while I did today’s Duo Lingo lesson. I also took my afternoon meds while I had a break between meetings. I’m thankful for modern medicine but I would be lying if I said it’s not a pain to manage so many pills at different times throughout the day.
4:30 PM: Signed out of work for the day and-you guessed it-played some Minecraft Dungeons with A and M. A finished all his homework at school so we let him have some extra video game time before dinner.
5-8 PM: We had dinner (grilled chicken, quinoa, peas) then A and I had a dance party in the kitchen while I cleaned up from dinner. I snuck a leftover brownie and treasured every bite. We all watched a movie together then I read stories with A and put him to bed.
8:30-10 PM: I did my nighttime skincare routine, brushed the dogs’ teeth, scrolled Reddit for a while, then lights out.
Daily total: $0
Day 4-Wednesday:
5:45 AM: Woke up to the sound of a furious rainstorm outside. I live in a very dry climate so getting rain always feels like a luxury. I remembered today is the day I can begin making dining reservations for an upcoming trip to Disney World, so I log in to my Disney account and start looking at options. I’m surprised and delighted to get 3 different reservations I was hoping for right away. The last time we went to Disney World in 2021, I had to check daily for reservation openings, and I ended up just paying for a service that monitors restaurant availability in order to get the reservations we wanted. I was not expecting it to be so easy this time around! I had to pay to hold our reservations ($344.79) but will end up splitting them with my sister and her partner, whom A and I are going on the trip with. I have funds set aside in a travel sinking fund so using some of that for this expense. Note: A doesn’t know we are going on this trip and my sister, and I are planning to surprise him the morning we leave. I cannot wait!!!
6:00-7:45 AM: Made breakfast for A (Cheerios today) and got him ready for school while I drank my green tea. I got dressed (striped sweatshirt and yoga pants) and put on some light makeup since today’s schedule is pretty meeting heavy. I took my morning meds and started responding to Slacks, then checked my calendar to ensure I wasn’t added to any new meetings since yesterday afternoon. I started mentally preparing for a meeting I know is going to be difficult today. I try to treat everyone with kindness but there is a person I have to meet with today who does not seem to share that same value. Oh well, c’est la vie.
8:00-10 AM: After dropping A off at school, I got fully logged in for the day and jammed through all my e-mails and morning meetings. I took a quick break to work on the Money Diary and do today’s Duo Lingo lesson. I made a chai tea latte with almond milk and it went down a treat.
10-10:30 AM: Break between meetings so I used the time to empty the dishwasher and start a load of laundry. The rain finally petered out, so I picked up the yard and checked the mail while listening to a true crime podcast.
10:30-1:30 PM: More meetings, one of which was really fun! I really like my team and I appreciate that we can have a good time together, even when our work is stressful. Between meetings, I found a dermatologist with good reviews and called to make a Botox appointment. I paid a deposit to hold my appointment ($50); it will be deducted from the cost of my service. I’ve been hesitant to start getting Botox since I’m bad about keeping up with beauty routines, but I just need to do it and force myself to maintain it. I ate a quick sandwich with some turkey and grainy mustard on Ezekiel bread.
1:30-4:30 PM: Took my afternoon meds. Did some admin work, tried pulling a report in Snowflake but couldn’t wrap my brain around fixing the syntax errors so I called it quits for the afternoon. I really need to carve out time for SQL practice each day; my brain is not naturally good at coding and it feels impossible that I’ll ever get more comfortable with it. M and A got home and we celebrated A’s progress on his reading comprehension grades. He is extremely gifted with math and spelling but he has struggled a little bit this year with reading comprehension, so we try to really celebrate any growth he shows in that area. I downloaded some songs from iTunes ($5) and listened to those while I worked.
4:30-5 PM: I put together my to-do list for tomorrow, did one final sweep of Slacks and e-mails, and logged out for the day. A and M played Minecraft Dungeons for a few minutes while I finished working.
5-7:30 PM: M smoked a prime rib today, which we had for dinner, along with salad and leftover quinoa. A and I tossed around a football while M finished cooking the meat. I ordered invitations for A’s birthday party next month ($36, split with M so my total is $18). He is all about Minecraft right now so naturally that is the party theme he chose. I vacuumed the downstairs floors and cleaned the kitchen then we finished watching the movie we started last night. I ordered some clothing for myself and used a small credit I have from the store to bring down the total cost ($120.81).
7:30 PM: M put A to bed and read stories with him while I brushed the dogs’ teeth and did my nighttime skincare routine.
Daily total: $538.60
Day 5-Thursday:
4:45 AM: Woke up when M’s alarm went off; looked at my phone and saw how early it was then promptly fell asleep.
6:05 AM: Woke up to my alarm and dragged myself out of bed. I have a meeting at 7 AM my time so I need to get moving a little earlier than normal. M is taking A to school today so I get dressed (gray shirt, light pink Vuori pants), take my meds, put on some light makeup, and start checking Slacks and e-mails.
6:45 AM: A is still sleeping so I wake him up for the day. The dogs are so excited to see him so they accompany me to his room and jump up on his bed for kisses. I help A pick out clothes for the day and leave him to get dressed while I make his breakfast (Cheerios and grapes today).
7:00-7:30 AM: I log in to work and attend the early morning meeting; it’s a frustrating conversation and nothing gets accomplished, so will have to follow up with the stakeholders early next week.
7:30-8:00 AM: I make a Chai tea latte with almond milk for myself, fill A’s water bottle, and do a final check of his backpack to make sure he has everything he needs. I always pack A’s backpack each night with snacks, his homework folder, and any library books he needs to return the next day. It makes mornings a little less hectic and sets the tone for a less-stressful day for us. I kiss A and M goodbye as they head out the door, then go back to work. I had signed up for a short cycle class later this morning but I am not feeling it today; I cancel my registration and promise myself I’ll do a workout at home later in the day (spoiler alert: did not work out later).
8:00-10:00 AM: I listen to a podcast someone mentioned in their Money Diary (“I Will Teach You to be Rich”) while I do some admin work and put away the laundry I started yesterday. I have back-to-back meetings later today so trying to get any household and admin things done first so I can fully focus on those calls. I ate a quick breakfast of a tomato, goat cheese, and egg scramble with two pieces of Ezekiel bread toast.
10:00 AM-1:00 PM: Attended back-to-back meetings and coordinated follow-ups for our team as needed. My previous roles were always very meeting heavy, but a lot of those meetings felt pointless; I like that in my current role, people tend to only meet when it’s really necessary, so we get more out of the time we have together. Took my afternoon meds.
1:00-4:30 PM: Finished work for the day, had a brownie and a Dilly Bar made with coconut cream for snacks. I have definitely noticed a correlation between my level of stress at work and how much sugajunk food I eat. I stepped outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air and check the mail. I received my Disney redemptions gift card for $77 from my Chase Disney Rewards credit card. I browsed the Shop Disney website and debated buying some Snow White themed “Minnie ears” for the upcoming trip, but I already have a few pairs I will bring so I decided to hold off on buying it. I did purchase a new Magic Band + for the trip ($26.96). I got it at a discounted rate since we have an upcoming reservation on-property. While the Magic Band isn’t required, it does make life easier since you can use it as your room key, to purchase food and other items in the parks, etc. I had previously bought one for A which I plan to give to him when my sister and I surprise him the morning we leave for the trip. I completed my Duo Lingo lesson for the day and got about 90% of the questions correct! I feel like it’s starting to “click” and I’m making good progress.
4:30-6:00 PM: M went to see the new John Wick movie, so A and I decide to order burgers and fries via Uber Eats for dinner ($27.35). M usually cooks dinner each night and while I know how to cook and can make basic things, I was really tired so I took the easy route. While we waited for dinner to arrive, I helped A with his homework and hung out with him while he played Minecraft Dungeons for a few minutes.
Daily total: $54.31
Day 6-Friday:
6:30 AM: I slept in a little this morning since I have no meetings until later today. I checked my Slacks and e-mails in bed for a few minutes, then took my morning meds and headed downstairs to make my green tea. A is already up and dressed so we hung out for a few minutes and then got his breakfast ready. He wasn’t very hungry this morning, so I let him have a granola bar and grapes instead of a bigger meal. Every single morning, he tells me he isn’t hungry and I remind him he needs to eat something or he will be hungry and distracted once he gets to school, so this is a well-rehearsed conversation for us.
7:00-8:00 AM: A ate his breakfast then finished getting ready for school while I took a super quick shower and got dressed (a blue sweatshirt and workout shorts). I only have one meeting today so I decide to skip makeup and hair and just put on my moisturizer and some lip balm. I drop A off at school and get fully logged in for the day.
8:00-9:30 AM: I chat with my team on Slack about some data analytics we got asked to provide today; I feel very grateful to work with smart people who view things differently than I do. It challenges me to think outside of the box and I feel like I’m constantly learning new things. M and I decide to increase our contributions to A’s 529 account, so I update my budget binder to plan for $100 per paycheck to his account instead of the $75 I have been doing. M puts in the same amount each pay period. Note: I know there are so many online budgeting tools I could use but I really love having a place to write it down and make it a little more fun by using different colored pencils for different categories.
9:30-11:00 AM: I had an awesome meeting with someone I mentor; part of it was career-related and part of it was just catching up on life. We make plans to meet again in two weeks and I’m excited to talk to her again. After the meeting, I quickly catch up on admin work and e-mails.
11:00 AM-12:30 PM: M and I worked on our estate plan. It’s been on my mind for a while because of my MS and we recently lost a loved one at a very young age so we decided to finally get this done. We utilized a free legal service through my company’s Employee Assistance Program, which walked us through filling out the different documents we need. We created a trust and will to ensure A and our dogs go to the guardians we’ve chosen for them and specified how we want our assets and property to be divided up. We also put together a living will/healthcare power of attorney for me, which was way more emotional than I anticipated. I’m on a high-efficacy treatment but MS is progressive and as of now there is no cure. I’m doing what I can to stave off my disease progression, but I want to specify my wishes regarding my long-term care in case I ever become incapacitated (physically or cognitively). Assisted suicide isn’t legal in my state but I let M know that would be my preference if my disease progresses to a certain point; maybe by then it will be legal here and if not, we can go to a state where it is legal. I know it was difficult for M to talk about this but I feel better knowing he understands my wishes and is willing to do what I ask.
12:30-1:30 PM: After the estate planning conversation, I needed an emotional palate-cleanser, so I scrolled Reddit for a few minutes and made a quick lunch (breakfast) of scrambled eggs with goat cheese, tomatoes, salsa, and guacamole. I called my sister and caught up with her for a few minutes and then went back to work to wrap up some admin tasks. Took my afternoon meds.
1:30-3:00 PM: I reviewed some proposed documentation to provide feedback, listened to another episode of “I Will Teach You to be Rich”, and watched a how-to video for SQL database creation. I placed an Amazon order for some health and beauty items ($58.59) and talked to M about the plans for tonight. The PTSA at A’s school is hosting a family game night so we chatted about what time to go and whether we should eat dinner first. I am currently running for a position on the PTSA Board at his school and I love events like this so I’m looking forward to it.
3:00-3:30 PM: M picked up A from school and they did some soccer drills in the backyard while I finished work. I also did my Duo Lingo lesson for the day and confirmed my reservation at a local restaurant tomorrow morning. My family and I try to get together every few weeks and tomorrow morning we are meeting there for an early breakfast.
3:30-4:30 PM: It has been a long, stressful week and my work is done for the day so I log off a bit earlier than usual. I check the mail, pick up the yard, and relax for a little while before it’s time to leave for the family game night.
4:30-6:30 PM: We ate a quick dinner of leftover pizza and salad then headed to the family game night. A had a really nice time playing the different carnival games and hanging out with his friends.
6:30-8:00 PM: We played Minecraft Dungeons for a while, M mixed a delicious cocktail for me, then M put A to bed while I did my nighttime routine.
8:00-10:00 PM: M and I watched a movie together then lights out.
Day 7-Saturday:
6:30 AM: Woke up with my alarm, took morning meds, and headed downstairs for green tea and cuddles with A. We watched some cartoons on Netflix then A and I started knocking out our Saturday morning chores while M was at the gym.
7:30 AM-10:00 AM: A and I went with my family to breakfast and it was delicious. A ordered pancakes and sausage and I had a delectable avocado eggs benedict dish and a cold brew with almond milk. My stepdad paid for everyone which was really nice ($0). After breakfast, my family came back to our house for a few minutes. We showed them our garden since A is really proud of the progress his fruit trees and veggie plants are making. M went grocery shopping for the week (my half was $90).
10:00 AM-1:30 PM: My family left and M, A, and I spent a couple hours just hanging out, playing some video games, doing laundry, and having lunch. I dropped off a return at the local post office (will be $35 once refunded) and put some gas in my car while I was out ($30).
1:30-4:00 PM: A had a soccer game in the afternoon; his team lost but he played pretty well and received good feedback from his coach. M headed to a friend’s house for a party and A and I went home. I did more laundry and played outside with A and the dogs since it was a nice, warm day. I placed an Instacart order for some candy for A’s Easter basket and a couple other items I forgot to have M grab at the grocery store ($40.78). A and I drew and colored for a while then made paper airplanes.
4:00-8:00 PM: A and I played some Minecraft Dungeons then had a dance party in the kitchen while I made dinner for the two of us. We had gluten free pasta with meatballs, garlic bread, and peas. After dinner I cleaned up the kitchen and more dancing ensued. We watched some TV and then put away A’s laundry and made the beds with the bedding we washed today.
8:00-10:00 PM: A and I watched some TV and I let him stay up later than usual since it’s a weekend night. A fell asleep around 9:30. I did my nighttime routine and scrolled Reddit until 10 or so when M got home from his friend’s house, then lights out.
Daily total: $160.78
At the end of each day please tally up your daily expenses. Then at the end of your diary please tally up all expenses in the following categories:
Food + Drink: $184.86
Health + Beauty: $108.59
Clothes: $120.81
Transport: $30
Travel: $344.79
Other: $156.19
Total: $945.24
Lastly, reflect on your diary!
Man, I have so many thoughts on this diary. I’m in this kind of weird space where I want so badly to pay off my debt because I have a lot of shame associated with it. On the flip side, I want to travel and enjoy the time I have right now because I don’t know if my health will permit that in the future. Overall I spent less on food than I usually do, partly because our families generously treated us when we went out with them. I feel grateful to make enough money to start paying off my debt more quickly, even though I have a long way to go. I’m also proud of how far I’ve come from the terrified 18 year old who didn’t know how I was going to pay my rent and still eat each month. If you made it through this super-long diary, thanks! I’d love to hear from anyone in a similar place with their health regarding how you balance responsible finances with having fun and enjoying your life.

Hey reddit folks I have a lamp that I want to make smart and in the process i some kind of broke it (i broke the mb10f chip by trying to look wat voltage de chip was putting out i zet my meter on it and connected the plus and Minus so it broke) it was 2.5a 220v to a mb10f chip and than a on and of switch and than the light but because I make it smart wau I thought do a smart plug on it and leave the on and off switch on turned on and then turn the smart plug on and off that worked soort of and soort of doesn't He went on and off but in the off version it was like a very weak light thats on problem its a light next to my bed so i want it to fully off now i have it wired op like this smart plug to 2.5a 220v straight to light and that turns on and off like i want on is on and off is fully off but when its on it flickers so i dont like that and i dont think having 2.5a 220v straight to led is good can someone help me maybe this are the specs that i now how it was in the original state
Aantal LED-lampen: 48
Vermogen: 3.6W
Ingangsspanning: 220 V / 60 Hz, 0,2 A
Uitgangsspanning: 30V / 0,12A
And the item is this https://www.amazon.nl/gp/aw/d/B07YX4Y7WF?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image
Smart plug that i use is this one https://www.bol.com/nl/nl/p/smart-power-plug-slimme-stekker-incl-tijdschakelaar-ondersteunde-spraakbediening-door-o-a-alexa-en-google-assistent/9300000037692221/?Referrer=ADVNLGOO002063&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2v-gBhC1ARIsAOQdKY03RYbBdZD1bRGmz1GGY_GfkOwxcTxrNpmdbvjX7A734fn9nF9uYEYaAtzuEALw_wcB